A road to the new me

update

2011-09-12T05:36:00.000-07:00

It's been a few months since my last update and that usually is a sign that things are either very busy or going extremely well for me. I wrote here to express myself and let out all of the things that were on my mind, knowing fully well that nobody is reading, it was something I just felt I had to do so that I can move forward with my life. Times have definitely changed, days are just flying by once again. I can't believe that it has been over 1 year since the break up and almost 1 year since the first house was sold. How do I feel after it all? Still a little numbing and unreal but right now I definitely wouldn't change a thing it has brought me to where I am today.

I never really understood how people would go through depression, I thought it was because they were weak, however after going through such a difficult time in my life I have realized that it can happen to anyone. I am not saying I was in depression however for a long period of time I felt that my life was nothing but a bubble, I was numb and dizzy about everything around me. Nothing made sense to me anymore, thinking that my life and beliefs were nothing but a lie. Anyway all this to say , nobody understands why or how the heart really works and has such a huge impact on our daily lives. I feel sad for the people whjo never get the opportunity to share their love with someone else. I have been fortunate to have shared it with someone for a long time and now feel very happy to have met someone to share it with once again. It has been quite a while already that we have been dating, I have no doubt right now that she is the one. We have the same values, outlook on life, respect for each other and understanding of what we want. Truth is, I think in many ways we are the same person but in other ways we do have differences which keeps things exciting. She is amazing and I think the world of her.

We have been looking at houses to buy together, we aren't 100% sure yet however we are pretty close to making an offer. It is a brand new build that won't be ready for a few months, it is 2200 sq feet (huge) amazing layout and really just beautiful. At the present time she will be moving in with us shortly, I have been working at her current house, finishing the flooring and the walls downstairs, and then it will be up for sale. As for my current house it will be going up for sale in the next year, but in the meantime we have been doing a lot of work around the house. We finished a beautiful garden infront and in the back, the fence is up for a few months now, the parking is now asphalted with 4 parking spots (vs everyone else who has 2 or 3) , we have put up the separations in the basement and this month it should be nearly done. I have a plumber coming in to install the toilet,shower and sink downstairs with ceramic flooring. Then the remaining I will be completing. I never used to adventure myself with renovations or work such as that, but it's always something I wanted to be able to do and learn and I must admit it isn't bad at all. I enjoy it.

Danyelle and I have been talking a lot about the house, however another topic as come up quite a bit, marriage. It is something I didn't see being a possibility happening so fast as of last year.

It's weird how life goes. I realized that I am a very loyal person within a relationship and I am one of those "fools or rare ones" who believes in eternal love and I have met someone with the same values. I really thought I had before, however unfortunately it wasn't the case.

I wish Roxanne the very best in her life, I do miss her sometimes but that's normal after living so many years with her, but I do also realize things will never be the same and it's the way life was intended to be. I wish I had a chance to say all the things I have always wanted to say but if I haven't it;s because it wasn't meant to be said.

I am very happy with my life, I have worked hard on finding myself, working on myself so that I never do the same mistakes again, and I am proud of myself. Last year I left TD for a gvmnt job that paid me almost 20k less so that I can try a new path in my life and sure it has been a little more difficult financially but I know long term it is worth it. I just applied for a HR Coordinator job which seems like I am the front man for it. It's exciting at the possibility of getting a promotion after only 9 months. I know I am very good when it comes to work but I need to also never let myself get unmotivated because I tend to slack off. I want to go as far as I can with my career, I feel like I am meant to suceed very well in everything I take on.

Alright I will stop at this, obviously so much more I could say but I will get back to my life for now so that I have more to tell you in the future.

Until next time,

"In case I don't see you, Have a good afternoon, good evening and good night"

Cheers!

As time goes by

2011-04-12T14:25:00.000-07:00

Wow already approaching mid April of 2011, that just baffles me how fast time as gone by since last year. So many things have happened since the last time I wrote but all wonderful things. I have refound my motivation for working out and eating better and with enough patience I will finally attain my initial goal I had set for myself last year. I had decided last year after losing 50 + lbs that I wanted to maintain that for a little while, so I have been able to for about 8 months which is amazing, now its chapter #2 in the weight lost process. Obviously it;s not the first time I tell myselfg that but I am tired of letting myself down and falling short of what I am supposed to be and do. So by mid summer I hope to be exactlyy where I want to. Losing weight is a battle when you have an addiction at one point or another, for me eating was very emotional also was the best way I knew how to socialize it was fun, now I just don't see it the same way. I think about the fact that if I had started losing weight way back in August 2009 when my ex did how I would be today, I wish I had, for the simple fact of not letting us all down. Today I don't feel thatr pressure I just dont want to let myself down. In March I took my first plane flight, it was a 4 hour flight there and another 4 back, quite the experience. Honestly it was the easiest experience for me never worried, I was just worried about the ear pain on landings other then that it was great. I went to Regina for almost 2 weeks for work and will be going back sometime this year. The purposes for me was to workout, eat well and do crazy overtime, so I worked for 15 days straight of 11+ hours per day, it's nice when it's double time pay :). I will need it however because before leaving for Regina the grand am was done, so I got it scrapped which sucks, however I knew this winter I would need a new car, Danyelle said it depends if your gf has a 4 door car you may not ( she does , so I think that was a sign lol). On the topic of Danyelle, things couldn't be better, this woman is amazing, its been over 2 months and I feel I just have so much respect for her. Her values in life are all the same or very close to mine, it's probably why we have gotten along so well, we also have a strong connection which is wonderful. She is definitely very special, I hadn't thought like that about someone since my Ex, even with the 4 other woman I dated in between nobody comes close to Danyelle. I am a lucky man. We went to the habs game last week sitting 6 rows from the ice behind the net, it was amazing, I never thought I would date someone with such huge passion for hockey, she even has more then I do which is wonderful. Her fav bands include Bon Jovi, Guns N Roses, Motley Crue which turn out to be most of my absolute favorites. I never thought I would find a woman who love dmusic more then my ex, well I was wrong she knows her stuff like nobody else. She reminds me a lot of Peyton Sawyer in One Tree Hill, which along with Friday Night Lights I think are the two best drama series ever. I have met Danyelles family and friends so far, they are so genuine and I really enjoy their company and they seem to think highly of me which is wonderful. Apparently I bring alot of laughter and fun in peoples lives, REALLY I didnt know lol, truth is I always have however over a course of maybe 1-2 years I had lost that in me, I am happy it's back :) I have lived with my brother now for 6 months, which is nuts, I never thought I would move in with him in my life, but things change, and honestly there is the biggest positive possibly of the break up, I have never been close to him now I feel real close and I am grateful, hes a wonderful guy. I am proud of him and no matter what I am sure he will be great. I am happy to have this chance to help him out with his first house, he was 22 not many people are that age with their first house :) The one thing that frustrates me a little with him lately is his way with woman, unfortunately he seems to be used as a yoyo and it sucks. Emotionally he is still attached to his ex and she keeps playingb with his head while another woman he was interested in, also doesnt seem sure what she wants, so he looks at his ex fr support. I have come to realize with time, it's ok for him to love his ex , and like me he probably will always have that special feeling inside for them, it;s normal we loved them, cared for them and thought the world of them, however for him to be ok, like me, we need to take a step back sometimes as much as our hearts may not want to, the head says to do so. I wish I didn'/t have to take such direct measures with her, but for me I thoguht I was ready to talk to her civilized again, until I felt she was bringing me back in the old routine, and acting also like nothingb had happened, when things did happen, maybe she never felt as strongly as I did, maybe many things were said inproperly during the months, but at the end of the day it's still someone important in my past and I will not forget that. But for me it was simple, she had moved on, while i patiently waited there for hope, while I wasn't getting any better, so I took the decision it was time for me to move on, and since I couldn't be happier. I wish her the absolute best in her life and I mean that, I wouldn't want anything hurtful or bad to ever ever happen to her, but it's no longer on me to worry about it as I used to and focus on my own life. I saw her brother for the first time since the move and 2nd time since the break up, this past weekend, it was nice because I missed him and her immediate family, I had created such a strong bond with them and for me they had become my family, so it was nice, I wish one day, if we cross each other on the road we will be able to say hi, it may not be for a while but maybe one day. It's sad because I believe inexperience and our personal strong will, and big egos got in the way of us, we did things I know we both arent proud of , but its done with and honestly right now it's no longer on my mind. I feared I can never love another woman again but I can say that for sure its possible, it takes time and you learn from your mistakes and never want to repeat them, so I decided to take things slow and go in with my head before my heart and so far it's been amazing. Nothing as ever come easier then that. NOthing feels rushed, it's weird because we have been together over 2 months but I am feeling like it's been a year already thats how much I feel I know of her, obviously I will continue with no rush but I love the direction its going. Anyway that's that and I am happy to write in here, I have no intentions in rereading from my last year as it was a dark time, so I am glad I can see the light again and have a smile on my face and mean it :) Take care

New era

2011-02-24T19:29:00.000-08:00

How times have changed. 2010 to 2011 has been the most intense transition of a year to another I have ever lived before. From 2010 having so many new experiences, challenges in my life, many new dates and 2011 has followed with a amazing start to the year. I met this girl Tammy who I was with on and off for a little while, a very beautiful woman who had her stuff together, someone who made me feel real good, she was the type of woman who commanded the attention of a room when she walked into it, she helped me move on from my past and focus on the good things of the future. You are someone very important in my life and will forever be grateful, unfortunately things didn`t quite work out for us but that`s not a bad thing in fact I had a good time. That experience has allowed me to find a amazing woman with who everything is just so natural and easy. She allows me to be myself and she`s herself at all times, things have just really meshed in all possible ways. I really feel like she may be the right one for me, obviously only time will tell but so far we both feel very strongly by each other. It`s already been close to 1 month since we started being together and it feels just so right. We have been able to sit down together for hours and just talk about everything and it just never feels like it`s long enough... that to me is a clear indication of a strong connection. I am very thankful for having this new part of my life and it`s the one thing which as completely taken the focus out of my past life, I have come to realize I will always care for my ex, but at the same time for me to have a healthy life and really be happy unfortunately we can no longer be part of each others lives and that`s ok. I have all my focus on my own life, my real friends which have stood by me through everything, and my new girl. I knew one day I was going to regain all the strenght I once had and when I did lights would be out on the people who doubted me. I have regained my confidance and much more, I look at life with such a positive attitude once again which I haven`t in many years, I see what I am worth to others and it makes me feel damn good to be in my shoes. I feel like I owe the world and my friends or anybody just to share my experience with them when they are going through their own difficult times because I know it`s not easy, love and rejection makes your heart do some really stupid things but with it comes quite the learning experience. I figured out I no longer loved myself, I let myself go, doubted everything about myself for months and months just because I was out of a relationship, but with enough time like they say things change and I have developped a much deeper understanding of who I am. I have no shame, I followed a life coach for months with the priority focused on myself and trying to better myself, and I feel so happy to know who I am again and to never doubt the great things I have to offer. We all have faults and we all have done things in our lives we are regretful of but the reality is they are part of us, they don`t make us bad people even if sometimes we feel everyone is against you and there will be some that are and those are no longer part of your life as they weren`t there for you like they should have. A real friend should never feel the need to chose sides and it sucks because I feel like I may have lost a few people whom I considered quite important in my life but at the same time it`s been a eye opening experience to see where exactly I stand with others. I am grateful to have the people of my surroundings and I will never forget what they did for me.

Danyelle, all I can say about her so far is, your a very special woman, someone with whom I can honestly see myself with long term and with the way we have been going at it I seriously think I have found my match. Your a very understanding woman, great passion for what you do and I respect you so much. I am looking forward to a wonderful weekend with you.

I want to end this post with a big thank you to both my grand fathers, god, the people who are there watching over me because my prayers are all coming through. Thanks,

Late nights

2011-01-24T00:12:00.000-08:00

It's 3:12 am and I can't seem to be able to get you out of my head. All day today, cleaning the basement, the spare room, the kitchen, living room, trying to keep busy so that I don't have to sit and rethink of how my life used to be with you. There isn't a single day that goes by that you don't cross my mind and all I can do is live with this feeling hidden inside of me because there is no one there to express it with. I wonder everyday on how things would be today if I would of reacted how my heart really wanted to, if I would of said the things that came to mind when they did instead of holding back in fear of getting more hurt and more embarassed to love someone so much and feel like that person wouldn't feel the same way.

I sit here in my bed, wondering how life would be if you were here right beside me, sleeping as you used to and I would simply stare at you, admiring your beautiful face, wrap my arms around you, hold you close as though no matter what happens in life everything will be ok because we are together. How I wish I could make you feel the things I do inside of me, show you a different life then you are accustomed to, share interests together that we each have and laugh out loud at small details we share together. Look at each others eyes and feel the comfort that love is there and knowing that even when things get difficult we have each other. Understanding that we aren't perfect but that we know what we have is special. Thinking of you is difficult because I have come to realize I will never have that chance to share my real feelings, from the sadness, the disapointment, the anger and then the love I have towards you.

I have come to figure out that life is all about changes and that some make us better people and others may be very difficult and for some impossible to overcome. I for one know that I probably will always have feelings for you, your not just someone that we crossed paths, I believe we did because we were meant to, something about what we had just felt surreal, we clicked on so many different levels and understood each other, that to me is real love. Your always going to be a very important part of my life and in the end I really wouldn't trade what I have lived with anyone, because if it just meant that I got to share this love with you for a short or long period of time then it was so worth it. Your an amazing woman whom I always thought the world of and sometimes I feel I forgot how to express it as much as I wanted to, life got in the way, but I never did think less of you, you were someone I saw myself wanting to spend the rest of my life with. Things happen for a reason and I think what the reason is for myself , was finding the real me again, the person that could allow himself to become what I should of been and not make excuses anymore. It was important for me to love myself as much internally as externally. To appreciate that the qualities I have to offer someone are rare and very genuine and that my way of life is very simple, love someone and be loved by someone is the greatest gift we can all have. I never thought I would get to the point of feeling this way but at the same time it doesn't mean I don't miss you, because god as my witness I miss you everyday, it's hard not being able to tell you this and tell you all I want for you is your happiness no matter what. It's difficult to tell someone your letting them go but because I have loved you it's the only rigth thing to do because I loved you so much that if you are happy then that's all that counts. Sacrifice is the ultimate love sometimes and I don't worry about it because I feel that faith or god as a way of being there for the right people and in the end the good ones are the happiest.

I decided a few weeks ago to stop sitting there in self pitty and think about all that could have been but focus more on the positives of my life and think that no matter what life only gets better, also that I need to think about the present and future because these are the things I have control of and I have decided to make these times very meaningful and enjoy the time I do have because life can also be short so it's to take time to appreciate the goods we have and just remain positive. I think the world of you, I wish you all the best, I will always have the feeling inside of me like I want to be there for you , but I can't as it just wouldn't be right but don't forget it doesn't mean I don't think of you. You will do great in this world I am sure of it, I have confidance in you like you can't believe I know you will succeed in everything because you are that special person, at least in my eyes. I am glad your allowing yourself to see this part of you and open up to the world because you have a lot to share and by all means go for what you believe in.

I wonder why I sometimes kept a part of me away from you, never quite understood, there is so many times I wish we could of just had a night sittingb in the car in a park somewhere listening to all kinds of music and just letting ourselves go, talk about things that we think of, no matter what it would be. I think about it a lot and wonder why I felt the need to be opposed to you I know what I have said in the past and I don't believe it for one second, the truth is I was afraid, I have always been afraid of you, because the feelings I had inside of me worried me so much that if one day they were not returned it would kill me inside. I never had felt this way for someone before, but the thought of spending my life with you was what i wanted more then anything, I wanted to be by your side for everything and support you through the bad times and be your biggest support when things are going well, but I was scared that one day I would get hurt, something happened in my past I haven't shared with anyone until a few months back, it marked me for over 12-13 years which made me become who i was, someone with a wonderful heart, great intentions but very opposed to some peoples opinions or thoughts, simply because it was my way of guarding myself from not letting myself get to close, all I ever knew in my life were people , very important to me, leavingb my life continously abandonning me, all throughout high school, life was difficult when I was losing some people but the thought of losing you, the woman I loved was a million times more intense. For months I let all of it destroy my insides, destroy my day to day life because I couldn't imagine the life after you, then when i started living the life after you I noticed it wasn't something I wanted to live , I didn't know how. So this is when I decided to take a real good break from everything focus on myself and think about what I want and how to get there. I have become a much stronger person then I was because of this time, I have had a understanding about life and that sometimes the only thing you can do is let things be. I know that being with you is probably what I ultimately would want but for now it's not something that I have so I needed to accept it and move on as much as I could. Moving on doesn't mean erase the other person, doesn't mean I am not allowed to care or love you, it just means I need to better myself as a person, focus on what is important for myself now and who knows maybe try to let someone new in my heart which is what I have been doing, focused so much on myself that I know more about ME now then I did over the first 27 years of my life, I am a strong person and feel confidant my life will be great no matter what. I have so much to offer and this is why I am writting this right now, I need to give myself a path on the back for sticking to what I believe in even though it may of destroyed any relationship with you and I am left there embarassed for having feelings for you, at the end of the day I am not ashamed of it one bit, in fact I am happy that I have loved someone this way and I can smile inside about it especially if things are doing well for you.

At the end of the day I want you to be happy , I will always wish you nothing but the best and you will always have a piece of my heart. I wish things would of been different but actually they are, I am sure we are no longer the exact same people but I think it's a good thing because whichever people we were some of it was broken on each sides.... I hope you have had the chance to help yourself with yours because it's great once you do. God please take care of both of us and ensure our lives are wonderful because we are two of a kind, I want nothing but the best for both of us and we deserve it. Thanks!!!

Supporting

2011-01-10T23:43:00.000-08:00

Just a quick note, supporting someone you love should be the easiest thing in this world. I have been fortunate enough to have that quality and knowing that the person or people I love the most I would always be by them during the good and the bad. I have come to realize that is just who I am. I spent 9 years with a wonderful person who I was always proud of and no matter what wouldn't of let her go because for me she was the person I wanted to be there for , for the rest of my life. Things change in life and you come to realize not everyone necessarily has the same mindset as I do, but it's one trait of mine I wouldn't trade for the world.

I lived through some very difficult times for the pasty year or even more, from work, weight balooning to all time high, and also heart break, but I found many people there that stood by me knowing fully well who I really was and no matter what that one day I would get back on top of the world and be the real Brian , the happy man who would never trade his life with anyone elses. See unlike most people in life I know exactly who I am and I know what I want out of life, most people spend their entire lives searching for answers and then realize when it's too late all the time it was always in front of them, I am a opportunistic person, if the opportunity is in front of me I take it running and keep it in my life for as long as I can. I spent months doubting myself as a human person and was put to the ultimate test of life, the challenge of over coming a heart break, everyones priorities in life are different but I have realized my thing is, relationships, it's being by the side of my partner and making her feel loved, supported through all of her difficult times and just being the strong shoulder to lean on, this is who I am as a person and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

I know now after so many people and different girls in the last year have told me , I am different and rare, I have many qualities that woman want in their man, all that was left was to find that right person to be this man for, I am picky, and throughout many opportunities I have found someone who I believe I can share my life with again, we will see in time, but to be honest I have only felt this way about one other person before and even though we are no longer together I will always have a strong connection and link to her, she was my first love and as the guy I am one day I will tell her face to face I wish her nothing but the best in this world because she is someone I care for immensly and even though we aren't together it doesn't change the fact I did enjoy the time together and I feel she is a special one, much more then she could ever know.... but I really believe she is one of those people that may search for quite some time as she will feel something is missing and realize she may of had it all this time, I may be a lot of things some bad ones, but one thing is for sure nobody will ever support their partners like I do.

I was unhappy with my own individual life for some time, I let myself gain so much weight, but over the course of the last year I have nearly lost 60 lbs, feel amazing, joined a gym, playing soccer, eating so differently and simply enjoying life again. I never thought I would get over the break up, I still sometimes I wonder how things would be different now, how much I wish she had just stood by me so that she could benefit from all I am and that is to come, but that is not my decision it was hers, I needed to accept it and give myself a path on the shoulders knowing fully well I never gave up on her, unfortunately I did for a period of time on myself though. It's scary to see pictures of me to what point I can't even stand looking at them, but I force myself too, because they are what I used to be, I can now look back on them feeling great because I have come a long way and I still have some to go but life is just beginning. I love myself again, I actually can stare at myself in the mirror and enjoy looking at what I see, I also see the finish line not too far off and feel like nothing will stop me, once I put my mind to something it's impossible to stop me, call it a Taurus trait, sometimes it's good and other times not so good, but heck it is who I am so I am happy with the trait.

I forgot for sometime what I brought into this world that was great, feeling after the breakup or even a little before that I was worthless, I felt guilty for thinking a certain way on things, or taking responsibilities on others but sometimes you need to take a step back and stop blaming yourself and accept your faults but also realize it takes two to mess up and I wasn't all wrong, I know who I am as a person and I wouldn't trade places with anyone, I would rather learn from my mistakes and faults and apply the things I admire of others on to what I am instead. Fitness and health are very important to me now, something I didn't think i would ever get too, but I have through learning from mistakes, I have others and will continue making mistakes in life it's just what it is, life is a long journey and you can't win at it by running a race, it's a life marathon, their will be obstacles and the only real way to win, is be yourself, love who you are and what you do have in your life, that to me is winning the game of life.

I am fortunate to have loved someone to the point of being able to take a bullet for them, to feel their mind,body and soul well I don't regret that experience with her, now it's time to explore other opportunities. This new woman in my life as her head together as well, very strong woman, as her own house, insane suv, amazing job and great health, she brings a lot of the characteristics I search for, she has the same drive as I do to success in life and we seem to compliment each other quite well, so who knows ,I won't rush things, I will let them come to their own.... I love my life and I feel ready to share it with someone again whoever it is, but not just anyone.

Some say people can't change, I think they are wrong, people do it everyday, but the real happy ones don't, they stay the same people with same values but their always look to improve themselves. I am open to criticism of myself but I wouldn't let any comments put me down in life, I have been through some very difficult times and for me nothing will be strong enough to lose myself again for, because at the end of the day, life only get's better no matter what.

Take care to everyone and thanks to those who have been there for me and I will always be there for you.

New beginnings 2011

2011-01-03T18:20:00.000-08:00

I feel like I couldn't have ended and started off the new year in any better way. When people say things happen for a reason well they were right because I see it so clearly now. I don't recall being this happy at least not in a long time. I have so many people to thank for sticking by my side through all the difficult times and not giving up on me :). I knew that one day I would wake up and find myself again and the happiness I used to take so much pride in living with. I felt I could never allow myself to like someone again so I went through quite the times this summer/fall but it led all to this, and because of it I would change nothing. I am closer to my brother who has easily become one of my best friends in the world and many friends I hadn't seen in such a long time are now important in my life again and of course the ones who stook by me from the get go , I feel blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life. I guess I really have the best friends in the world. Now it brings me to this new chapter in my life, Tammy your truly someone special, amazing like I said, the simple thought of being with you makes me so damn happy and I thank the world for giving me all the experiences we both had in our lives as they brought us to being the people we are today. I can't believe all this is happening but I know good things do happen to good people and here it is :)

I have also lost over 60 lbs in 2010 and with her being such a fit athlete I have no doubt together we will have greatness. I am going to lose another 30-40 lbs and actually I have lost 11 lbs since xmas , life is good. I am feeling good and can't recall last time I had such a passion for life. I am looking forward to Europe/Bora Bora everything.

Mom and Dad thanks so much I love you both and you are easily the best parents. You guys support me with anything I do and I really appreciate it, no matter what I do you love me for who I am and I wouldn't ask for anything more.

All this to say I remember saying 2011 was going to be the best year ever, well it truly will be , 2001 was a amazing year but this one will be much better.

I will probably be taking a break from this blog for quite some time but only because I have a feeling I will be quite busy and I feel I am done venting my hurt and pains now, but I wanted to end it with a positive message, life goes on for everyone, everything happens for a reason and no matter how difficult it seems and you don't feel you can ever get out of it, well I am living proof that you can, things only get better, and the more you think they will the better they get :)

Cheers!

2010-12-25T06:50:00.000-08:00

time away

2010-09-27T18:26:00.000-07:00

I still thing about you. I can't hide inside me the pain I go through. Everyday or every few days I wonder how things could be different and how I wish so many things would of been done in another way then they did, would I have learned as much from my mistakes if I wouldn't have done them? Probably not... I feel like a different person then I was before, I still have one big thing in common is my heart and its something I have come to realize I can't change as much as I try.

I care for you and still think of you but I have come to accept that right now it's not working out... I always hope this is nothing but a nightmare and we can have a fresh start but I wake up knowing it's not. Its the hardest thing to live with, thinking that I had someone I loved so much for so long no longer be part of my life, but I keep trying to gain strenght and live with it. SO many things have been done and said during this time that have hurt us, I wish they weren't. I do have a lot of feelings on my mind which I havent shared because when it comes time I feel shut out..... so I must live with them.

If this is the last thing I can say or you can read of me, I will always love you, I care for you, I would do anything possible for us, and you are always on my mind. I dont hate you, I am angry for certain things but at the end of the day, I think my life with you was a much more happier time I feel the difference more then ever, the more time goes by the more I realize how important you were, I can't keep blaming myself as to be honest I was flipping in and out of depression big time, now I don't feel that way most of the time, however I still do on occasion because of how things truly are.

I have no idea what you think of me anymore, or have even thought of me from the start, I was new to this, but I still hope sometimes you think of me, I guess at this time it's the best I could hope for.

I want to say thank you and take care of yourself and I will always feel like being there for you, even if sometimes I am not.

Life is full of learning lessons

2010-08-15T19:56:00.000-07:00

I have made many mistakes over the course of my life, and will continue making new ones, I dont think ill never make any bigger ones then I did in 2010. What I have come to realize is, everything that has happened, could of been prevented. I wished I had lived something simular before because I would of known how to act on it. There was alot of misunderstanding, misinterpration,a big lack of communication. Unfortunately whats done is done, the only thing left is to learn from it. It sucks that it had to be after losing someone but its even more important to learn as to why.

I have learned that, in a couple its important to talk on a regular basis, not to hide things inside like I have done. I built up alot of frustration over the years and didnt spill the entire details in fear of losing her. I lived most of the relationship scared of losing her, because I always felt unworthy to have her or mostly because I had lived losing so many people in my life before that I thought it was a normal thing for me, like if its something that easily could happen to me. The breakup brought back so many bad memories and hidden demons, however instead of hidding them inside again I have decided to deal with them and figure out why I became a certain way. I have been combating it and feel much better and feel like I will definitely conquer the battle. I wished I had done it many years ago but I didnt.

Also another thing I have learned is, when bad things happen or a rough stretch occurs within the relationship its important to take some time to think about things, as if not alot will be said, done out of anger, sadness,emotions, which normally is not what you truthfully think. I did that big mistake, if I would of followed my own instincts I would of been able to back off, and at times I was doing it, but I let negative comments around me take over my logic. When I had someone tell me its over,she will never come back to you ever again and she wont be friends with you. That is a very difficult thing to hear and deal with, so what did I do, I tried getting back into communication with her. That is why I sent so many emails, 95% of them were sent when I hit rock bottom on those days because I felt the fear to lose her for good. Most of them werent written with my head but mostly with my heart.

At the end of the day, I know I loved her, I may have said some very hurtful things, and I am sorry, I dont know what got over me except for the fear again. See everyday that has gone by, I build strenght to move on or work for the future, but I also have a part of everyday living with regrets, regret that all this could of been prevented. I hate the fact that right now we have become this way towards each other. Anger, frustration, disrespectful, we both have been very disrespectful and its not ok anymore. I am sick of it, I know what my feelings are, I just cant do nothing about them anymore , so I gave up.

Did I love you? More then anything, did I think alot of you? Very much , I thought you were what kept me going. However that was also a problem, I became super dependant of us, and lost myself along the way. I was just willing to become whatever you wanted me to be because you were so important to me. However I have realized its partually why I was unahppy in life, I lost who I was. I have worked very hard on myself as of late in finding my independance and become a better partner in life. I feel that with this new feeling I will be a much happier person in life and be a much better person for the relationship. Time away as allowed me to realize the things I lacked in, what I could of put much more focus on, you deserved better of me, I let you down knowing fully well I could of provided better. I was unhappy with myself on many aspects.

I want to become a better person just to say at least I didnt lose you for nothing. Alot of things have been mis perceived in the last little while and I think on both ends. As much as I disagreed at the beginning to myself, time apart is bad, well I think it was the best thing. Its very hard because I was so comfortable around you, the routine had been broken. But it doesnt mean its all bad. The only thing thats bad is our current status towards each other. I am done talking about you for quite sometime to others because I want to remember the good times and I think very much of you.

I have decided i dont want to be close to you anymore. I am very angry and have alot of things I want to tell you why I am so pissed off. The things that i see have caused this entire ordeal as well. Right now I am moving on, no matter how hard it has been, this time alone as been wonderful. I have realized I dont need to be with someone in life to be happy, I could live life alone and still find it fulfilling. Does it mean I never want to be with someone again, no, of course not but what it says is I needed to be happy with myself to be happy with someone else. I can say for the first time in my life I am happy with me.

I had no self esteem, even if I may of made it seem like I did, but I didnt, It was just my shell that I put around me, to make people think I had alot going for me, but I had to tell people I did so I can believe it. Right now I notice I am lucky and blessed, I have health, a wonderful family, I had a long term relationship and shared something with someone for 9 years, when alot of people dont even have that in their lifetimes. I have great friends, a good job , pets that I love. Whats not to like?... I would change the ways certain things happen but honestly nothing can be changed. I miss you alot, but I also dont want to see you. I cant stand the way you have threated me , and I am sorry for the way i have towards you in certain aspects. But seriously, this entire thing is fucked up..... people around us have helped both of us, I dont think they have in the right way. Unless people hear and know both sides of things they are just there to help the individuals. This is why I am done talking to anybody at all. I dont want to haver others involved, this is my life and whatever happens at the end of the day its my emptiness, its my happiness.

So thats about it at this time. The real lesson is, threat your love ones the right way, even when things get bad, because they just get uglier. When you love someone for 9 years take the right time away to think before saying anything because you dont want to erase what you have built over tthat time for stupid mistakes. We both made mistakes we both have some growing up to do, and I have learned its important to love yourself so that you can love the other one. I believe we both have some feelings for each other, and If I am honest no matter what happens I always will. I have decided to stop talking about the couple we had to anyone because honestly I loved you, I thought the world of you and I dont want to tell people negative things about it anymore because why would we of made it 9 years together? I think I just needed to vent a bit, and possibly it was the same for you, but for us to last this long, I figured if we are done for good well I think more of you then complaining to others about you, you were wonderful and I thank you , we had our problems, I wished we could of worked them out, but no matter what, I care for you , I miss alot of things and I would be hypocritical to continue arguing,complaining anymore.

I am done listening to others as they have influenced so damn much my actions and look what its done.... Im done with it all... I am living life now and enjoying what I have missed out on and wish you the best.

Changes

2010-06-06T02:14:00.000-07:00

Not a day goes by that I don't wish I was someone else:(. I can't remove the feeling of this hurt of losing the most important person ive ever had in my life due to my own actions. I apologize for how I was or perceived to be and wish to god one day you can trust me that I will be different towards it and I have been working so hard on myself.

I can't stand being myself right now as I live in so much regret every single day and will for the rest of my life, I never wanted to make you feel trapped towards me as you are your own person. I messed up sooooo bad. I hope one day you will give me another chance to show you I understand more then you can possibly know. I hate the way I was, and ive been working on my issue alot and I punish myself so much. You loved me, you were with me, and I had the issues of thinking I wasn't important enough to you so now its worst as your not even in my life, I hate myself for it everyday and wish I had a chance to show you how much I have learned about myself. I had alot of dealing with of many different personal demons that ive been taking care of slowly, I wish one day you can let me in again as since High school I have lost everything and everyone I had in my life.... Nobody as important then you.My life is so empty and its all my fault.

News

2010-05-27T19:54:00.001-07:00

I just want to say for the first time I see the break up as a positive thing, I now see it as being the right choice and I feel its giving me the opportunity to do alot of things :)

I recently purchased my dream car that Ive always wanted and I must say WOW, what a beauty , it drives with so much power, the look is amazing and the convertible aspect is something else. I must add it helps in ways with the ladies lol.

Anyways I also recently signed up for a film study course I just need to get certain equipment going and its going to be sweet, what I love about it is its go to your own rythm so its nice, no need to stress just enjoy it and learn alot of new things. I may also sign up for a other course with my bros coming soon and I will update you on that.

As for the other news, well I applied for a position as a Branch manager and I hope to get it but who knows, right now I am just gathering as much experience as I possibly can, and with every raise it helps :)

I also tried a new board game recently cant believe I am going to say this but I think its even more fun then Agricola, Puerto Rico man what fun that is. I have played twice so far and must say its a smooth game that I really enjoyed. I am in the mood to learn alot of new games right now and its fun to chill with friends again like this.

I also have bought some new dumbells for the house and Im starting with 25lbs each even if I could of done more my goal is to rip right now while shedding weight, which I have hit more then 50 lbs lost so far, a few people are very motivating during this weight lost and I have learned alot about it, and must say it works, you cant lose it all too fast , you need to lose it properly as well, so I havent necessarily shyed away from my favorite foods just I dont eat it as much and noirmally I dont eat late at night. I am surprised because I have received a few private messages from people I havent spoken to in years on facebook about the weight lost and must say it feels good.

Also at work clients are all telling me and even this co worker she was on vacation for 1 month saw me and didnt recognize me, that is fun to hear. Im never going to give up and long term I will be very healthy and enjoying life again with a good lifestyle

I went and saw a doctor for the health and for the first time in more then 10-15 years, I must say everything he said looked good so far a few tests to pass but it feels good to hear the things he did tell me, because i was indeed worried at one point and to get a grasp on things is good.

Also I am looking to become even more active so in the next few days I will be buying myself a new bike something I can really use right and start doing alot more then before. Seriously I am seing this summer with alot of promise now, I will be enjoying it and I feel like for the first time in a long time I have alot going for me again in life :) Everything happens for a reason

I have also been thinking for a while about a motorcycle but I would of never thought that before in the relationship but it has always been on my mind so I may go forward with that sooner then later but I think I will wait to sell the house depending on how long it takes. I hope it doesnt take too long because right now its not good being here but soon enough I guess.

I have been hanging out alot with my brother lately and have noticed alot of things we have in common but also we just talk about all kinds of stuff, what he has a deed for is quite cool and I have been getting to know alot about it, stuff he had never shared with me before and I must say its freaky lol... but hes cool.

Anyways thats all for now until next time.

I would change the way the story ends

2010-05-06T20:57:00.001-07:00

I have acted like a total lunatic and crazy person in the past few weeks. I feel like ive blowned it with her. Ive wanted her so badly that I tried and did anything to be with her. But I realise that if we are meant to be together then one day we will be. But right now ive blowned it so the only thing left is to let her go. If I love her like I do I must set her free.

If I could start all over with you again, I would change the way the story ends. I would try my best to help you along if ever there was anything wrong, but I know you got to be moving on. Baby its gonna be fine if you have to go, and I will always wish you well. Its time for you to do everything, that you ever wanted to do, So I will see you when you make it through. I couldnt do anything right, I was so far away and you shut me outside. God I wish I was sleeping with you tonight, We could listen to the rain outside, Id tell you a story,sing you a song and Promise you nothing is wrong, but I know you gotta be moving on.

I should of stayed away however now I need to set you free.

Thanks Rox for everything and I appreciate what you have given me through the years and if our paths cross again then it means we were meant to be, I will leave that to faith.

Brian

Evolution

2010-05-02T11:15:00.000-07:00

I have lost close to 44lbs now and in counting. I dont know how its been so easy but the focus as been there. I have some serious goals and will achieve them without nothing stopping me. I got toa point in my life of not loving myself and my body because I didnt feel sexy or wanted anymore, but that is the fault of no one else but me. I can control this and I have been, I already feel better just fitting in clothes i hadn't before or even many years ago, or seing my clothes now look like blankets on me how big they are. Life is too short not to take care of your health and unfortunately I let it go downhill for way too many years now I am glad I can focus on making the right choices for myself, because I had people around me really worried for my health and seriously I was too but was able to hide it, never wanted to show people my true feelings towards it to seem weak, but I was starting to feel hopeless towards it and scared I had let myself go to far, but i have found this drive in me that nobody can stop me from losing weight except for my own self which I won't allow.

I also realised like losing weight anything in life you got to be patient as alot of times when we arent things dont happen the way we hope. I have decided to live day by day again like I used to, and let myself be happy because truthfully its the only way I know how to go from here and move on in life. So I have made it my objective to become healthy, funny again, and love life for what it is. I think I over analyzed so many things before and I have a photographic memory that doesnt work so well when I cant think straight, well I need to let that go, I cant control anything but my ownself and so far when I have been thinking this way I see some true happiness and realise this is how I got to be forever.

Rox if ever you read this, you have been a wonderful person in my life, i will never forget what we had, because we went through so many things together and practically have everything together today because of each other either it be emotionnally or lifestyle, but I realise now that I cant force anything upon you and there is maybe alot more things going on with you that you dont want to share with me, I have come to the conclusion that if I ever did love you that i need to let you go now, its a hard realisation but its the truth. I will keep found memories of us together. In the meantime I will go on with my life now as you requested. I care so much for you that it was driving me insane to try and figure out how things are, but really I cant continue down that path because it just keeps hurting me so to that i say good luck to you on your journey.One day maybe we will sit down together and share each others thoughts openly again, because I know I may have not listened as attentively to your needs lately what you have been really saying. And there is a few things about me I want to tell you one day.

As for me well I know I will be ok, life gave me a huge obstacle but I wouldn't be me if I wasnt able to overcome it, and I will fight hard to be the happiest person alive and have all the confidance in this world again. I am feeling good about myself for the first time in a while :)

So far the basketball playoffs and hockey playoffs have been quite good for my teams, both the Lakers and the Bruins have moved on and I hope they continue to play well. I am looking forward to signing up for a sports team again next year to keep myself very active and also give me what I feel good in.

I always thought living my individual life wasn't as necessary in a relationshipo that I had to focus so hard on making everything nice for us so i did what i thought was right even stop alot of my stuff, she didnt ask me to, I did it thinking it was the right way. However what I noticed is it may of made me somewhat unhappy by personal choice and I didnt give the love the way I truly felt I was feeling all the time towards her, I became so indecisive about things so that I tried keeping everything nice between us,. but really thats not what you may have wanted, I think you may have wanted someone to be able to have their own life as well which I realise now and know I will have in the future. Thanks for letting me go, because it was the right thing to do. I know that now. does it mean we will never be together again, who knows, but what you did took guts and also at the same time it was the right choice no matter the reason you did it for, because its what you felt. So I cant continue living with sadness and doubts what could of been, I keep my values in life and see where time brings me.

You are much more wonderful then you give yourself credit for Rox, I saw the true you, through the good and bad times and saw how you felt as I felt it as well, you are special and will always be someone special to me. I hope during this time you will find what it is you want because that would mean you would be happy.

So for that I say take care :)

New me

2010-05-01T00:22:00.000-07:00

I have spent the last week out of the house in search of what was wrong with me and the relationship and to try and help stop living in regrets anymore. I have found out the things I had as faults in the relationship with Rox and ive been working very hard on them, but the mistake I kept doing was trying to show her or trying to explain this to her. I left leaving her a letter and felt super guilty about it, but then I told myself why should I? I was with her for many years and for so many of them I shyed away from saying my true feelings to her and I shouldnt feel bad about writting what I thought however I do get where she would, we arent together and she doesnt feel good about getting stuff like this from me, I guess the main issue I was having is, even if we werent together anymore she would still know me enough to understand why I have been doing that. I finally get it now for myself being away, I needed to find happiness and things that helped me find my own autonomy and becoming a individual again, because for so many months or even years I had lost that, I was living for her and over the years lost any confidence I had left and it turned me into this pathetic jerk well for the first time I am feeling real good about my life, I have so many good things going for me and I am restarting to appreciate them, first off work, I have one amazing job and I am quite good at it and people really love me at work because lets face it im pretty darn cool, I have some awesome friends who ive been hanging with which I am having alot of fun with, again we have alot of good times, what I realised is with everyone else in my life but Roxanne I was being confidant like my life rocked, with her I lost confidance and became more insecure I dont know how I got there, and this is what I am working on myself for. I know what I want and I am allowed to, i want this women in my life, however I also want to be happy with myself no matter what does happen meaning if shye decides she doesnt want to come back then I can move on and live life happily. I see things way more clearer then before, but I need to understand that she doesnt see that in me at all, so my focus and concern is just keep doing what i can do, i cant force her to love me, even though I know how great we can now be together, bottom line is time is what will determine everything and I am confidant about that, and know that if ever we return to each other the decision will be done maturily, but until then I keep enjoying life and being true to myself, and realise just how great it truly is, and return to how it was that people just loved being around me because I acted like life was awesome , I need to do the same in any relationship I am in, and one things for sure I will be a hell of alot more decisive about everything no more, I dont know what about you, bottom line is I know waht I want now so I will go after it :)

Cheers everyone I am at peace with it all and man life is looking promising :)

THATS IT

2010-04-18T19:54:00.000-07:00

I am done with all this. I have given every single thing I could into this relationship and realize that is exactly where I have lost myself. I did everything I could to make things work for NINE years. ALways apologizing when I did something wrong even when sometimes I was right, never feeling the appreciation on what I did right. Well here is my thought now, I am DONE. I have been patient even now that she has left me. Well Im sick of being this guy held like a damn yoyo so I am gonna leave all this now.

One day she will realize what I brought right to this relationship that no other man can, nobody will ever be so attentive to her like I was and give up on his own stuff. Some faults but man a hell of alot of goods.

My surroundings are telling me to move on because she doesn't deserve me, I keep telling them the bad shit i did, they still say she doesnt deserve me because things could of been worked on. They all say I am this good person that will always come up on top in the end no matter what happens, good people always win in the end, well for some reason I didnt see that when they told me, but bottom line is, she wants to spend her life without me, then so be it, I will not because an ass or change my good qualities and i won't be able to remain friends in this situation and will move on to other things. She is obviously moved on and gives me 0 indications that she wants to be with me, then why should I wait, she LEFT me. I need to live with no more regrets from now on no matter what happens. She wants to live the single life with friends and go out all the time, text message whatever it is she is in now then who Im I to stay in her way.I find that funny text message, after all the miscommunication methods we had in our relationship of emailing instead of talking, people rather hide behind something then speak up now, what a waste of time. And my consolidation is even if she finds another guy, Good luck to him because first off I put up with ALOT of shit that I already know he wont, but more importantly this guy has no chance, because what I gave was so much of me in this relationship nobody will ever be at my level. Sure maybe less possessive or jealous but hell maybe she will get someone who doesnt even care for her.

She will realize that one day, people cant always be there for her, and that is what differentiated me from being a friend or any other guy she will find again, I was there for EVERYTHING good,bad or even when she just needed comfort for whatever it was. She never truly appreciated the goodness i had, so why the hell is it I have wanted to be with her so badly Seriously? I always felt she was one of the most caring women ever, well right now she definitely is proving me wrong and you know what SHE GAVE UP I sure as hell didnt, until now. No longer my lost because I have gone through the grieving period and she hasn't yet, wait until you see me in the future and then you will ask yourself damn that could of been me. Well there is girls out there that want to receive all the attention from their man and are tired of players,jerks etc, well apparently this isnt for you. Sorry for being someone you could trust so easily and being too attached to this relationship.

You will realize all this when i am no longer there at all and living my life, thanks for one thing though, because of this break up I know what my faults are and ive worked on them so intensly, so the next person will really get the better of me, including someone who wants to be healthy.

Im tired of wanting to make u see this, if you dont want it to work then thats no something I want anymore. I will leave one day and trust me I dont think we will ever speak again, right now it sounds alright for you, well you will see :)

No more wishing what things could of been, because Im starting to think im kidding myself, because you did so many things that made me unhappy as well but I was willing to overlook that before, again others probably wont. I did because I knew I loved you no matter what, well this is where i thought it was the same for you, obviously wasn't.

Enjoy your new life and hopefully you do find what it is you are looking for, and I will always care for you but that doesnt mean I want to be with you because whats the most important thing now for me is my happiness and your showing me things that you are not willing to work on.

So Thats it like I said I will be leaving sooner then you think and please don't say I didn't try.

Moving on to the EAST Side

2010-04-18T13:14:00.000-07:00

My thoughts on moving on, well right now I can say today I want to be with her again but slowly every day goes by and I realise to myself im wasting my time so I need to move on and everyday that does go by I am. If ever we were to fix things it would have to be soon, because the day I have completely moved on I will never turn back because I know what I wanted but if she doesn't feel the same way then its time for me to continue on my own journey:)

Seriously at first the thought of not being with her was scary and overwelming, now it isn't scary because I have found me again and I will get along just fine and one day someone will appreciate what I do bring to them. I cant be anymore serious when I say life does go on, time will fix everything whatever happens happens between that time I have refound myself and have ameliorated to something I am proud of.

The only thing that is more difficult is, we used to do so much together and now we do 0 things together and I know she is realising that well friends are there sometimes especially at the beginning but life isn't going to be that way forever when routine kicks back in which is when she may realise that leaving me was a big mistake, however when she did it wasn't because we both were doing things incorrectly. But right now it is different I know for a fact I have a great idea of things can work and how they would be so different... but I dont think she does. I think she still has the thought that with me she can't do alot of stuff where it wouldnt be the case what so ever anymore.

I am feeling like I have alot to give and if she doesn't want it from me, well I am confidant enough to say that what I got to offer is definitely amazing now that ive worked on things and I seriously think she would make a mistake not giving us a chance... and if she doesn't well no longer my lost.

What a crappy evening

2010-04-18T00:03:00.000-07:00

Tonight started off nicely having a supper at a fondu/raclette place and it was super sweet, I dont know why Rox and I never went there before it was awesome. The place looked good, the choice of food was there.

Then after this we decided to go out and a have a few drinks and play some pool so we went somwhere close in the area. Started playing some pool and having a few drinks. I was doing fine and then all of a sudden one of the friends I was there with was so drunk, he started acting a bit crazy and saying all kinds of shit, and I wasn't having any of it, so I slowed the hell down for drinking. Then all of a sudden he was getting real upset with me because he was telling me how much I need to get out of this thought in mind of being with her because she doesnt know what she left and she didnt appreciate me,etc. I honestly couldnt stand earing this because its one thing to voice your opinion on things but its another in front of others but also to doubt my judgment, so I remained very calm. A few of the guys held me calm and tried stopping him because he was acting out of control. One of them actually told him listen, this guy has been wiht someone for 9 years , that is like being practically married to someone, he explained one of his previous relationships that lasted 6 years but they stopped because she had cheated on him and he found out through text messages about it all, he said everybody relationship is different and depending on the reason why it stopped there could be a valid reason to try and work at it.

I held myself back from knocking this guy 5 feet off the floor, because this guy was a very close friend of mine, but how dare he doubt my thinking on things and NOBODY knows what ive been through to know why I feel this is still worth working on. Its simple, she didnt cheat on me, she wasnt someone who wanted to do any harm at him, she just flat out had enough of my ways. Well to me that is someone who is worth the changes and the efforts because I KNOW what we had and 90% was great the bad things are what need to go, and I know she loved me alot, I need to make me the best person I can be and be with her again.

So anyways it was hard resisting myself from punching because all this conversation tonight came out of nowhere I was just chillin, but when it did anger came in to shut him up, but smoothly told him , back off respect me for what my beliefs are. Some other friends kept telling me man, go hook up with her, and I have had some opportunities in front of me, BUT I can't just do that if I believe in US ever working, if I didnt I would of taken those opportunities, however I know they have 0 chance of bringing me the same happiness as being with Roxanne would bring me, so I am patient. Maybe this will back fire on me one day and she will be with someone else and I will feel stupid I waited for her, but If it doesn't work out its not due to a lack of effort from my part. A few of the guys tonight wanted to bring me out clubbin and assuring me a GOOD time which I have 0 doubt they would of, but my mental stage is not there just yet, I need to do 1 thing for myself before crossing that line and quitting on us all together. I didnt think I would have opportunities right away and when I did, Resistance as worked so well, and I feel proud to say that I was able to wait for the women I love.

Confusions i guess

2010-04-17T14:00:00.000-07:00

Something is wrong I find, I would do anything in this world to be with her especially right now that I have a much better understanding and feeling about things, and then it seems some other people have ditched her.... are they nuts? Boy what I wouldnt do to be whoever the heck she was supposed to be and just have a nice evening with her and I still keep hope that one day she will approach me and want to talk about US again but I said to myself I won't and in the meantime I continue working on myself which is been a great success so far. Some think im nuts not moving on to the next person right now, well I feel this is something worth fighting for and I am confidant we could be so happy together so its easy for them to say these things I know deep down we both are the only ones that truly knows whatr we have been through together and I feel she will see that I never ditched her, I may have lived too much for her which will never happen again as we need freedom but If we were together I would always be there when she needs me no matter what, right now I dont want to give her that because she asked not to have it and besides I am not with her. There is always alot of positives to take from negatives well this one is HUGE. I am a changed person and have found someone I am proud to look at in the mirror and realised what ive done and I know no matter what I will be better for whoever it is hopefully her if not then eventually someone else.

I just want you to know that I am still here, if ever you want to talk about us again you come and see me, I am not going to get in your way of anything as this is what you wanted.

hardest thing ever

2010-04-16T22:45:00.000-07:00

Right now life has been going better, I am finding out alot of things about myself and im learning from past mistakes in my life either in the relationship with Rox or even before. I am understanding my issues so much and even our relationships issues so much. Alot of it is due to a lack of proper communication, turns out we both think alot alike or have things we would like to bring up and we don't which makes it harder as I know we are so right for each other.

What I am doing is understanding what ive done wrong and better myself for the long haul and I want to be a great person out of this, nothing happens for no reason in life and there is a positive out of it all. My positive is I will have learned from my possessiveness and jealousy, and right now understanding my independance. Ive been keeping myself quite busy with amazing friends all the time and its been fun. I do however want to try and work things out with her but compared to a few weeks ago I am not going to force anything what so ever upon her because I have learned that much , people need time for themselves and figure it out. All I would like to tell her is I am still there but in the meantime I am making me better in case we did get together or whatever happens. People keep telling me why dont you do this,that, her well the reality is I have proper values and bottom line right now is I know what I want in life and at this time she is a part of that, but if she never does come back well I will move on from this a much stronger person and will share my learnings with a new person. It pains me the know the things ive done wrong and that most of all our issues in our relationship were associated to miss communication. That is also I would change no matter what. What I have figured out in the last little while, I want to be with her however there is a few things as well I believe she can ameliorate as well, and if she isn't able to do that then I dont want to be with her because it would make me unhappy and right now I am living for happyness which I hope is with her but if its not then so be it.

Its difficult for me not going upstairs right now and hug her to sleep, but I think that would be crossing the line and its not been nearly enough time, I know for a fact that I said I am going to do things for myself to be better person well this is one thing I can do and give you what you want.

She is a wonderful person with a incredible heart, and unfortunately what ive done is doubt it too often and did some stupid things, well Ive made mistakes and again I am learning from them every single day.

I want to be able to have a life together but i will see witm time what the cards and life holds for me.

Learn

2010-04-10T22:10:00.000-07:00

I want to say to everyone that would even bother reading this around the world, Never take anything for granted because unfortunately people just keep making the same mistakes over and over again where they wait until something bad happens to realise just how important it was to them. I want for people to learn from my mistakes in life, because god knows ive had many. Never threat the person you love badly, because honestly you love her, therefore this person you need to show her that you are the right one. I have been living with regrets, and I am realising something, I can't change the past, I cant change the way I have acted before on anything, I can only have a impact on the future me and ways about things. Again people tend to wait until something happens to work on themselves, well it has happened in my case, I have lost recently the person i felt was there for me through everything. If there is a problem in any relationship be it family or a couple you GOT to tell them and not keep it in, because when you do, life becomes a battle everyday and the other person doesn't see you as the same person anymore which is hard to come back too. Dont give up, but definitely take the time needed to make you better from any situation.

I have realised that somewhere in my life I have lost myself, it isn't however due to the relationship fully but to everything in my surroundings. I changed myself into someone I didn't want to be, someone who acted ways he never would of done before. I have always felt no matter it be friends or with my fiancee at the time that people could easily leave my life, it has happened so much in my past either with my parents at times to friends over and over again where I felt like if I told people things that bothered me or affected my emotions that they could just turn around and leave me, and with that it creates alot of insecurities in life. Well this is why I need to work on myself so badly, because I used to be a confidant person and somewhere ive lost that. Ive lost what I wanted from life and need to refind that drive which is slowly getting there.

As much as it pains me, what she did by leaving me was the right thing to do, I wasn't fair to her what so ever and neither to myself. I became someone I thought she wanted me to be, however despised by the end of it, and at the end of that road I didn't know who I was anymore so I got scared. These past few weeks have felt like months right now because I spend all the time of the day trying to figure out how I could of changed things, and then I realise I can't its done with, but I can improve myself and really be happy with myself. If that does mean being with her again one day so be it, if it means not being with her (as painful as this is) then it has to be that way. I believe we have alot of things that were working in our relationship, but not everything, like most, and the way I see this is, a chance to deliver my promise to myself and that is take care of me first so that I could share myself with other people. I used to be the biggest jokester, prankster and someone who knew how to have a good time, to this routine potatoe, well enough is enough. I was kidding myself saying I was happy with my life, yes I had a amazing women who we cared for each other dearly, but I wasn't fair to us either by the way I had become.

I also realise I am not the only one to blame for anything , a relationship is something that is worked together at, its always a work in progress therefore once one person takes a decision they don't want to, then that cant work. I live in life with alot of faith, and I think this didn't happen for no reason, it is a serious wake up call saying BRIAN you need to find this happyness in you again, find ME, so that anything around me works again. Time is on my side because its never too late to do things and same as finding a way to make things work. I can't say I am 100% on this thought process just yet because that would be a lie, I am not 100% over her either, because she has been such a large part of my life, and for me this part I would love to continue and live it differently with her. But right now I need to take this time, work at my demons/issues tht I have had since being a youngster of being scared to lose people so close to my heart because only god has my witness knows what has happened in my life and I dont want to live that again. I have realised one thing, friends are there for you no matter what, they never judge you for you, but somewhere deep down it still remains that she was the person I shared everything with, all my happyness, my sadness my stress she was there for me, this person can't be forgotten, the way I have acted with her has been irresponsible and really not the right thing to do, because I cared for her so much but showed her the contrary. I am man enough to admit my faults now I need to be man enough to work on them.

I truly believe that I am not all bad, but the bad that I have brought to people has got to go, be happy with what I had. I was worried she would of left, well when she did i was hoping just to be part of her life. My mistake again, and comes back to never take anyone for granted, I have and this is my only real regret. I can never explain this feeling to anyone because I am the one living it nobody else, but anyone reading, please do yourself a favor, work on yourself all the time, keep yourself true, because if not your not being fair to anyone involved.

I miss her, but I realise if I don't do anything about myself I may never even talk to her again let alone get back with her. So I need to step a side, trust her in the sense of what she decided was the best decision for her, and I respect her more then anyone so it was the right decision. Again it's not to say what the future holds for us, I know what I want and thats me to be happy again hopefully with her because I seriously believe things would work together as we did have enough good things, but I have to get where if it doesn't I will be ok with that. One day at a time, she is looking to have a better life for herself right now and this doesn't include me, but maybe one day it will again. I know one thing for sure right now... when I get alright again, I will never let myself feel like I live my life for someone again, because that is so much unfair pressure to anyone involved especially me. I will always be open about anything even if I think it may start a bit of friction the bottom line is, things that are kept in is not the right way to go about things, I did that for more then 15 years of my life where I got to a point it busted.

I am living day by day hoping to come out of this mysery because not a day goes by I dont think of things, and I realise the things ive done to cause this and it angers me every day like I cant believe what ive done to us, well then the other part of the day I either think , there is things she did as well, that is why we needed to talk more and understand each other and right now its too late to make her understand why things were felt certain ways, or the other part of the day I spend actually relax and enjoy things. I love life again and will find happyness :)

I trust that the path ahead of me is the right one no matter what, nothing happens for no reason, and sometimes to appreciate things more you need to have lost it. Time is what will heal me and I hope that it will be soon because this is rough everyday feeling the things ive done to make us so distant kills me, my heart skips a beat everytime I think of the ways I reacted to her when she would say things, well I know things could of been different, so that means now that things wil be different.

I am starting to find the guy I knew in me, a caring guy, a funny guy, a guy that can attract people and get all their attention again, and right now im starting to feel sexy again like If my confidance is back that I have moves :) so of course still some ways to go but I will keep it up and down the road I will be so happy :)

e

2010-03-31T20:48:00.000-07:00

I am starting to think differently about the whole thing, maybe im way too hard on myself and ive been trying to salvage this anyway possible and I continue doing everything possible to try and please her, why Im I still doing things for her if she doesnt want anything to do with me? Why do I still feel things for her when basically she has made it clear shes moved on and doesn't want me,love me or even care for me.

Im in a good mood tonight and this is a start of somethin special my friend and no im not drunk lol. I think ive been looking at things upside down way too long, like if I was the one to feel guilty about everything but she left me, I tried and acted like a retard begging for her back,embarassed myself through all this and let my self esteem hit the floor and I realise for what? She doesnt want me then she wont have me no more. Next step is for me to move on now, I cant continue wasting my time on someone who doesn't appreciate what I have offered her im not perfect but I am definitely not all bad and we all make mistakes in life and regret them, the important things is to learn from them, and I have FINALLY which will make me a better person. I have given her my entire heart and unfortunately she has decided I wasn't worthy of her heart no longer and threated me like this complete loser and a nobody.

I have made mistakes through our relationship but you will remember one day that I was there for you when everything was going bad in your life or you felt depressed about either your food allergies or just anything, I was there when you had some good news and you saw how happy I felt for you, I was the first one to drop whatever he was doing whenever you needed something like tonight, i dropped whatever i was doing with the people i was and drove right here to accomodate you. I am the same guy that has never once made you feel unwanted from me and always welcomed you in my life. The guy who was loyal and talked to you about everything, late night chats, your teddy bear to hug for support, the guy that ran accross the street to get John mayer tickets because i knew this woudl please you, the guy who setup a hotel room with roses everywhere and a fondu while you were working. The guy who threated you like a precious piece of his life and never made you feel like you were bothering him. A guy that was there for your prom, your college graduation,friends weddings, your own projects always wanted to help. There for you to help you with the halloween parties because I knew it was important to you and i wanted to make them as pleasurable for you. The guy who remained young at heart that could watch cartoons with you and litterally enjoy your company. The same guy who enjoyed listening to you talk about your zelda or nancy drew games and would do anything for you when you felt stuck or needed to even find the games :) . The guy who gave you comfort in bed every night that I was there for you by your side. I was him that drove 24 hours back and forth to go to disney and enjoy ourselves and proposed to you with what i thought was more meaningful then a 5k ring something we would always remember. I was the same guy you have been to the laurentides with, new brunswick, toronto,hamilton etc and we had good times. I was the guy we talked about maybe going to japan to teach, sure didnt happen but it was a thought. I was there for you when you felt like the world wasnt going so well, I was able to grab you and make you feel better.I remember the nights in bed watching friends and acting out scenes together. When we had a scare in 2005, after talking to me you felt reassured that it isnt a bad thing and we looked forward to it. The guy who waited with you in line at either the hospital or to get drivers license. I always was there to make you feel pretty,wanted, and was proud to hold you and tell people you were amazing. I was the guy who would write little words to you that made a part of your day. You were my poopsie, my luv bum.I remember us laying in bed either plucking eyebrows, or massaging or scratching each others backs. Falling a sleep in each others arms during naps or at night and feeling each others warmth. We have gone through so many things together, where we went from absolutely nothing while living in teh appartment, we worked hard together to build a nice place together. We then had this excitment when we bought the house, remember I was there to share it with you and we were so anxious. I was the guy who would wake up in the morning while you were sleeping to cook you some breakfast so I could surprise you. I would bring you flowers, or even took the time to setup a chasse au tresors because it was something i knew we could remember. We were there for each other for either my grand fathers passing or when our parents were sick, we waited with each other at the hospital to be with our families. I was there to try to help you all the time when you had migraines I remember driving out at 2-3 am of the house to find medication for you on a work night. I was there to make you laugh even if alot of times it could be the same jokes.The times we would sleep in the living room at the apt because it was so warm, watching harry and the anderson or third rock. The same guy who loved to play cards with you, enjoyed your company when I went to sporting events. The guy you have been too many zoos with like the night time one which was real cool. The same guy that went and picked up shaq for the first time, and we went through the late nights together of waking up at every hour to bring him up but it was all worth it. Remember the same guy that when you worked at blockbuster would come in earlier sometimes to help you, or even wait in the parking at your closes just anxious to kiss you. The guy who went with you to see ETH 2 times and loved being there for you.The guy that spent numerous nights with friends either dancing at killer bean at 4am, talking blueberry, dancing in the living room with 1-2-3 go at 4 am, the guy that helped spend a night filming a horror shoot you had for school, the guy who was there when you were looking for some insparation with your art work/photography.The guy who would be patient with you and you know what I mean because he thought the love was more important. The guy that has always wanted to show you commitment by talking about marriages and kids.I remember us just being together and walking and talking about anyting.The running around in the house chasing each other and jumping in bed all excited. I was the same guy who had a good sense of humour saying jokes although for you was repeated J The guy who went to sleep at night proud and so lucky to have this beautiful girl beside him. Th The guy who would do anything to make you feel better when you were sick, the same guy who would listen to you talk about your day and actually care about it.Going to each others parents to enjoy playing cards or watching movies. Just having a relax day in pjs cuddling up on the couch.We used to always want to surprise each other with buying each other gifts, like when you would get me ties or shirts and I would do stuff like get you a disney plate or snow globes. You always had my attention and you knew forever I loved you because yes there were times it seemed like it was missing but as you can see I made you feel good at times I know for a fact. You always meant alot to me because I wanted nothing more then a future with you, and I was very patient for you to decide if you wanted kids or get married, I never wanted to pressure you in anyting and you know what I mean. I have faults and right now with what has happened lately that is all you will remember of us. I just want to say I may have lost you and I wish I would of done many things differently but why should I feel so guilty when I feel I too have given alot to this relationship that was fun. Roxie I ask of you before we throw all this away for good, please remember us in our good times, I know for a little while now I may have taken things for granted and not been able to offer you the same type of love but things were roug and I was feeling alot of stress, however what Ive noticed is this is nowhere near the stress I am having now. What i can tell you is I swear rox that there is things I can change and grow, if ever we got back together I would tell you everything and we could trust each other again at 100% because honestly it would be a fresh slate from here. I never doubted you would cheat on me when we were together, where I was wrong is not showing you that confidence and trust rox I promise you that will change. I am growing in ways I want the chance to show you. I have never given you the feeling that i was unloyal or cheating, I just want for us to be together. I think of all those things and the good times we had ROx i panicked when you said it was over because I couldn’t believe I wouldn’t be with you no more. The thought of losing everythin we had been through was hard. These are things that no friends or people know about us, this is our experiences together and we lived them all nobody else this is why your decision is so important to be made by yourself. I don’t want to throw all this way as I feel we have growned together and what i am realising no matter the issues we have we can work at them together, I swear the person you have been seing is someone scared to lose the life we had. I love you with all of my heart and want things to be great and I know its difficult right now because you feel there was too much but as you can see there was alot of good times as well and we did so many things together and we were there for each other during these past 9 years and threated each other well, there was tough timses but mostly we had alot of fun.

. Well all that right now means nothing because of some wrongs ive done along the way that you can only think of. ROx I ask of you please find it deep in your heart what I have meant to you during all this time, I feel like we have completed each other, we meched well together and its so difficult to feel like losing that. I think we have threated each other with disrespect lately and I know its not what we want, I want to be able to show you how i truly feel and continue experiencing life together and the goods we had.

Progression

2010-03-29T03:40:00.000-07:00

Whatever I wrote in the last post, most of it needs to be forgotten. The reason being when I wrote that it was written with emotion, where as right now for the first time in a while it will be written with logic and understanding.

This is what I have realized things have been hectic and difficult for a few weeks however in reality they have been this way for quite some time they just never jumped to the eye.

FOr the first time I am realizing the big picture versus realizing the short term losses and heartbreak. I now know there is alot of things that I wasnt proud of, I would of sat there saying anything out of emotion to defend myself but the reality is, I need this time to work on myself and do the right thing which is be happy with looking at the guy in the mirror. Everything that has been done negative in the past few years comes back to that, where before I never realised what I was doing was completely wrong now I understand that I have been living with this guy for too long.

The last few days/week I have been spending surrounded by amazing friends that no matter what have been there for me. They are amazing because they dont judge me and enjoy my company even with my faults. The real issue there is, I realized while being with them, why didnt I live this way during my relationship? Why did I always feel bad if I went out with friends? The reality again comes back to me feeling insecure at times about myself, the relationship, but the main reason as well is dfor the longest time I wanted to make her feel so important in my life and I guess it was the only way how. Man was I wrong, because all I have done is make her feel trapped at times, it doesnt mean she didnt love being with me but damnit people need space and not just her myself, so that is the biggest thing I have to work on. It could mean that this is too late to work on for the relationship however it isnt too late to do this for myself. I now understand that there is no way she can still love me, because I wasn't loving myself anymore. My confidence is restarting to grow again, I feel like I can accomplish anything, the drive is back, sadly this is the way I feel because I got a wake up call from her leaving. I wish to god I could of learned this on my own 9 years ago, or basically from the start, because I think that she would of loved me even more for who I was. All this time I have mistaken myself by saying being with her is the most important thing in my entire life, well she was and honestly still is but the real most important thing in my entire life is me being happy with the guy I have become and be happy with looking at myself in the mirror. It is killing me to admit this but her leaving me was the best thing, as much as I wanted a chance, I dont think I would of realized this so deeply, that I need to do things for myself now to be better for whatever relationship I do have again. What I thought was during the conversations, heck she is leaving quick find out what you have done wrong and try to fix them, and I put a personal clock in my head that said do it FAST. Like if everything needed to be resolved in 2 days, well now I feel it cant be resolved in 2 days, however I trust that the issues can be fixed in time. What I have done right now is acted very crazy with all my mixed emotions in the last little while that I have worsen the situation completely, pushed her far away from me where she rather not know I exist. Is this what I want ? No , so I must let her live her life, while I live mine. My love for her is undeniable, but its not the right thing right now for us. She was completely right about something, we are probably not right for each other right now, all that means is, the way we both are right now it wont work out. It doesnt mean that in the future we cant refind ourselves but I am not going to live for that right now. My main focus will remain on doing things the right way from now on, stop taking things for granted in life and enjoy it to the fullest. Does this mean I need to go out and party and live it up? No, because thats not me, what it means is, live right now with knowing I have the time to find myself and so does she. I dont want to leave from this relationship thinking we were not meant anything for each other, because thats baloney, but if I continued down this path of suffocating her I would of lost any respect she may of had left for me and all of her heart. I need to be a better person for myself so that in a relationship I am a better person for the other one involved.I have been at one point a confident person, and that is what she liked from me, nobody wants a sob story, they want someone who is driven for life, people love being around because of the positive aura but thats not me right now. All I can say to her is you are right for your decision. Right now I am feeling better already but im not there just yet. I am going to be focused from now on showing myself that I dont NEED to live or be with someone, but that I WANT to be with her or whoever it is. One thing I have also realized out of all this, all couples I have been speaking to have the same issues that come back over and over again, its normal when you are with someone for so long, and they all know what needs to be done, but realize things arent done the way we always think we should. I told them, take advantage of this as its not too late, show the person you love them. A thing that I regret is, living a comfortable life, living like I know whats going to happen all the time, well really im a spontenous guy but have lost that. I wish we could of done things differently, I know now I would, just small details, not saying I love you all the time, but when she least expects it, surprise her with a hug, or bring her out for a walk somewhere and get lost together, call in sick at work together to escape in the world like if we are rebels. Things that make it feel important. This can't be done daily but it could be done more regularlyA unplanned trip every year to ge away from it all. Also a thing I realise is, we both needed our own friends, because its a way from removing ourselves from the other person and be independant, which is a very important thing in a relationship, but that I also messed up. At this point it doesnt matter because whats done is done, its the future that counts and that I learn from the issues and the problems we had and I had, and move forward by working on them to become a much better person. For the first time since a while I am positive this can happen.

I apologize the way I have made her feel at times either lack of trust,respect torture she never deserved that and deep down I know what ive done.Can i erase it no, can I do something about that, absolutely and it will be done not hopefully but it will be taken care of.
I was with one of the most caring individuals I have ever known, and I took things for granted and boy was I wrong about things. Is she perfect? No, however she does have a wonderful heart.
and meant so much to me. I hurt her badly and for that part I can never forgive myself for it.

Today I am taking a first step to a new life, I have a friend thats coming over where we will sit together and setup a weight lost and work out game plan. I will be subscribing to a gym membership today and learn all of the equipment and start my life changing experience there. I plan on making this part of my life and not just try it out. My goal is for the next month April to lose 20 more lbs minimum, healthy way of course. I have never been so focused and driven for this and feel happy about it.

Recent activities and realisations

2010-03-23T04:08:00.001-07:00

I need to get this off my chest at least for myself.

In the past few weeks I have come to a sad realisation for myself and that is I haven't been a great person for a while. The memory of me being this fun loving guy was slowly disapearing to a point of forgetting it. And this is all due to my own personal emotions and thoughts on everything in life. I believe that it is due to a large part to things I over analyse in my life no matter it be family,work or my own personal relationships, I tend to overthink everything which causes me to doubt things.

I have this wonderful family that unfortunately has gone through many tough times, my father is someone who has always been there in the sense of caring for us, unfortunately he may not see it but for not wanting to come and visit us it hurts because it makes it seem we arent important enough however without him even telling us I know he cares and would want nothing more then our happyness.

My mother well she has been there as well, someone I could always count on for a late call to catch up or to talk about work, stuff for the house, you name it I was always able to count on her and still am, she is wonderful however for some reason it just seems like in our family we cant say it too each other.

Martin my youngest bros, a great guy he has become, very loyal to his friends. I remember has kids we barely hung out together but now he has become this very good guy that is a pleasure to hang out with, yes we bump heads quite a few times but who doesnt? I think he may not have found an ideal job for himself yet but that will come in time, he is a young guy deciding between school and work right now. I wish him the very best for whatever he decides.

Mark my bros. I unfortunately dont understand what has happened to him in the last few years, he was this guy I felt that wouldnt hurt anyone either emotionally or physically. He was a person that was there for us when we lived at the apt, someone who yes may seem like a slacker but at least he wasnt causing any harm to himself or anyone around him. He has since changed into this angry person constantly, someone who doesnt seem to care about his family right now, a very confused person that isnt sure what he wants or even can do in life right now. I keep hope that one day he will wake up and snap out of it and find a decent job and a good girl to be with. I wish him the best because sometimes I worry alot for him.

As for work well things have been going as a wave for the past few months/year. I remember how I felt when I first got the position. I was estatic because I felt proud to say I had become what I was a professional. Unfortunately I dont know where it changed but I think right around November of 2009 I started doubting myself if I wanted to stay there or not. It was the first time I had questionned the want to be where I was. Still not sure at 100% what clicked in my head for that attitude but I believe it was a accumulation of things, either it was feeling like I was bombarded left and right constantly where I barely could take a minute to breathe, or hearing some complaints from clients that ruined my days, lack of support, feeling unappreciated. You name it there had been quite a few things that were making me doubt it all. I was feeling tired, depressed about it all, worried about what I would be doing next and ultimately what that had done to me was change my mood from decent to down and tired all the time. I had a big talk with the boss close to a few weeks ago. Since then I have felt better about work, more clear image of things could be worst right now.

Then it brings me to the last person, my fiance. She has had to live with me through everything mentionned above, not even including our own issues at times. She has always been by my side for everything and has been supportive of whatever happens. I think I forgot that, I feel that I have been a very selfish person with her. although in my thoughts she is the most wonderful person ever, I sometimes don't show her that and threat her unrespectful which she doesnt deserve one bit. She doesnt know this but she has been my inspiration on alot of things, she makes me want to be better for myself obviously I want too be better as well but she helps me be that person. I love her so much that sometimes I over love her. I try showing it too much at times and what I am noticing now is sometimes its a good thing but alot of times its not because I create this wall for her so that she can breathe and this is something I have never really thought of. I feel like I understand much better now where she is coming from. A girl wants to have someone she can count on to be there for her in the good and bad times, someone that can help her do things either around the house or just in general, someone who loves her and is willing to be her squeeze, but what I have mistaken with my fiance is sometimes she needs space and unfortunately I have over used it at times.

I guess what worries me is that with her I feel I can be myself, she loves me for me, however I have always been worried about her wanting to be with me, and because of that I tend to create senarios, issues in my head that arent really there. I must stop and realise that she is with me because she does love me, she wants to be with me, loves me unconditionnally but right now its difficult because things are going badly :( I dont know how to make things work right now, because I feel she needs to decide things on her end, I just hope she realises how much we are worth for each other, yes there had been some rough stretches but there also has been some wonderful ones where we have spent together. All I can assure myself is , things can change if worked at, and I will work on it because I want to save this relationship more then anything before. She means the world to me but I need to stop telling her this when things go bad because I push her away. Its a vicious circle when things go bad, I tend to want to be with her even more where she is looking for space. So she pushes me away , I try even harder so again she pushes harder for her space. I think neither way of thinking is bad its just different thats why we are different people, I really want a discussion about that if things do get better so we have a better understanding on things. I have always been a closed out person that kept everything inside, but we discussed about this and said we needed to start being open with each other so that we can work on things. Another thing I have noticed is I have been a bad person with her as I have always wanted to threat her well, surprise her with gifts, stop doing what im doing to do things for her, show her she means everything to me but as good as the intention as been I have showed her insecurities by doing these things, pretty much saying I couldnt live without her which I can get must be a big pressure on her. But the reason behind me being that way is, I had always told myself I would try and threat my special someone as best as I can, meaning doing everything for them. What i have realised is, this isnt what she wants. I never understood why, but I think by me doing those things I only make it seem like she is the only one in the relationship. So as of now I understand things better, I will work on being a good fiance, but not be as air taking as I have been. Work around the house, take care of my own personal body and health which is something I should of done a long time ago. I regret not doing it. I was so happy when Roxy started losing weight because she was so happy and I was estatic for her. I never felt the fear of losing her when she was losing weight because I thought she was the type of person who wouldnt change, she would still love me for me. Unfortunately these past few weeks I have noticed things a bit differently, where I feel a part of her wants to do new things now that she has lost weight and that scares me because I didnt see that coming and feel helpless towards it and it scares me now. I want to be with her so much get married one day have kids but right now I dont know if it will happen because she needs to figure things out. I want her to know to be patient with me as I will catch up emotionally and physically which will make us better together. I have done some bad things in the past where I wish I can take back, because it has caused some pain to her. I am growing up and understanding things better in my daily surroundings. Dont give up on us as I feel we will be able to get through this. I find it hard right now because a few weeks ago she would cuddle with me, hold my hands, we would kiss each other, to right now I cant even get a love you, it drives me nuts because I dont know how it could be this way, but this is where I am changing, I understand I cant force it upon her, I just hope she will find it for herself to love me again and if that does happen I will not make the same mistakes again. My insecurities have got to go from now on. I want to sit down and talk together and see how things can get better but right now she is trying to decide if she wants that, I feel a part of it is she is looking for a way out, but I cant give up so easily on us, we have gone from nothing to all what we have together and without a doubt we make each other better. I am sorry for hurting you, for making you feel trapped, miserable at times. I want to prove it to you if things go well alot of things will change as I promise you new things about me. I know that showing my emotions like that is maybe not the way to go, well fuck that I love you and I dont want to lose you, working hard together with communication is the only way to resolve things long term. Rox you are amazing, we love each other its maybe just hard for you to see that right now because you feel trapped and like if I have been suffocating you for a long time, however somewhere and sometime you have loved me like your man that you wanted to be with and trust me when I say the suffocating me will change as I dont want to lose you and understand the only way for that to happen long term is to show you this. I want you to have a better understanding of where I am coming from all I ever wanted was to ensure your happyness, I hate when your telling me your having a bad day, I always wanted you to succeed in anything you have tried, I stopped doing my stuff to be with you because I wanted to spend the time with you more then the TV,games whatever it was as you are what makes me happiest in life. Again dont take it as a suffocating thing right now its how I felt. Now I can still feel the same way but not show it the same way this is where my compromise will be. I cant hide the fact that I love you because I do, but threating you that way all the time isnt what you are looking for therefore I will slack off. I know you get that I love you and always will.

I am interested about everything she does even if it isnt things I showed interest in before. It doesnt mean I will start doing it but I will show interest. You have a thing going on this flamel series which I have been pretty closed out on and unfortunately I cant take things back but what I can do is show you something different and thats listen to you talk about it. I have been supportive of you working on Tubes et jujubes even if I knew that would take alot of time away from us, but the reason I am supportive is I feel that is what you like to do, maybe not work all the time but keep your creative juices going and I think its a great opportunity.
As for your friends this is a touchy subject because a part of me wants to know everything about them however without crossing the line of suffocation. I dont want to necessarily hang out with all your friends but I do want to know about them and I think that is fair. Your entitled to asking me anything about my personal life but yes sometimes we will have things individually as well. Like your flamel site even if you tell me everything about them, I am not going to join to go and talk to them as that is your personal stuff. I think that is where things we need to talk more about because sometimes us showing interest in the others things seems forward or suspicious but i think its just a normal feeling to understand the other and feel comfortable about it by not having to ask a million questions after.

My life has been up and down forever but I find that when you want something badly enough it is worth fighting for because you may never be able to retry at it again. People tend to give up too easily on every aspect of their lifes, as soon as the tough comes people just get rid of it, but if I would of done that, I wouldnt be working in where I am, I wouldnt have a closer relationship with my family and most of all I wouldnt have been with the love of my life for 9 years as god as our witness we have had some issues but our love has kept us together and worked together to achieve a good couple. RIght now its hard to feel that way but if things work out I know we will be close again. I have faith in us.

A while since last time

2009-08-22T23:26:00.000-07:00

So once more it has been a while since the last posting, but this shouldn't be a surprise anymore, I guess I find myself wanting to do alot more things then spend it on the pc. At one time I was so addicted to the internet and never thought I could go on without using it, but more and more the weeks go by I see myself using it less and less and i feel like it's real boring as none of this world is real enough for me to spend so much of my time on.

I must say things in general right now are going ok, not top shape but who knows maybe one day they will, i sure hope so.

Our dog is closing in on 1 year September 12th which is absolutely nuts , that means we have him for now 10 months, time goes by so fast, the little guy is not so little anymore. Well keep in mind this is a Jack Russell and not a Doberman lol. He got trimmed a few weeks back , I must say that the look completely changed him and we really loved it, therefore i believe it will be something we will do on a regular basis, when the cash permits it of course.

Lately I have been playing alot more video games then I am used to, but still it isnt very much but its enough for me. The console has so much more potential then the 360 but I enjoy both very much.

Right now its close to 3 am and im just laying down in bed unable to fall a sleep but i will attempt to do so and hopefully have a chance to come back on in the near future.

Till then, Cheers!

New thoughts

2009-03-29T06:11:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I have partaken on this website and after turning my thumbs for a few minutes decided why not take time to write some stuff down.

Since the last time I wrote, I have been busy, life has changed in the past year since 2008, i'm not sure I could say it's been for the best but it definitely has changed. I still work for the bank and I truly still enjoy it, it's hard nowadays to find something that we are really good at but also enjoy to a point that when we talk or think about it, its mostly nothing but positives.

Besides work well we added a new person to our family, its a small jack russell puppy, his name his SHaq :). At first he was the cutiest and funniest thing ever, then we saw the problems lol, which is still a work in progress, but even with the small problems which will getter better (this includes asking for the door, not barking ) hes a sunlight in our day. Somedays i become short tempered with him or Roxie does but one thing is for sure without him somehow we would probably feel some sort of emptiness has he has kept us occupied for months and it's added responsibility that I believe we were ready for. Hes definitly one smart cookie, he learns tricks at a incredible pace, but obedience is what we are focusing on right now.

Other then that, well things are going ok, I truly wish they could be going amazing, where id go every single day without worries or stress about stuff and be my usual funny, good mood self but right now i dont think that will happen to many things must change. I have a hard time hiding my moods because im normally in a good mood, but for sometime that has changed to a point i dont even recognize myself. I dont even feel open enough to write them down on this thing as I rather close that book and pretend nothing his happening and all is good.
Oh well whatever I guess things can't always be the way you want them.

Today is my fathers bday, I won't be able to see him but definitely he is in my thoughts for sure, im glad because he sounds better lately, since my brother moved back home I believe it has helped, because it has given my dad someone else to enjoy time with, do stuff together. I just hope one day he could start working outside on stuff again and not have to worry about his health, he is someone who needed to move constantly so for me its weird to see him relax and limited to his activities but if its what will keep him healthy he must learn to relax.

My brother Mark broke up with his girlfriend, which was quite a shock to me, something i guess that should of happened a while ago, but I truly never saw that day coming. I think it does confirm that people who live hours apart hurt the relationship and in this case I think it does have a large part of the breakup. Things just seem weird this time of the year, people act with more impulsion then they do anytime of the year, damn winter/depression lol.

We recently purchased a basketball net, which is my first net since 1999 at least. I miss the sport so much and just going outside and playing, but I also wonder could I even play like I used to. In my mind im still my old self someone who could play for 5 hours straight and enjoy himself, right now I wonder if it;s still something that I could do without feeling weird or old in my driveway like it those activities were for only teens or kids. Anyways this is something I told myself, I dont care what other people think because it's one of the better activities to help me regain my healthyness. its such a nice basketball net as well, never I have seen in the past a net of this quality, but let me tell you it's definitely a challenge just of putting it together.

I normally hate putting stuff together it's not generally my thing, Roxie loves these assembly aspects of new things, which I try to but deep down I can't wait to see the finishing touch. Maybe my dad traumatized me when he used to put stuff together with his yelling when it went wrong or maybe he should of let me do more because id enjoy it and even know more what to do. I think that is a tough choice for a parent, you always want to help your kids and even if that means do the things for them, but i the end it's doesn't help because they didn't do it on their own and sometimes I feel like that's something I lacked but oh well small detail.

We have been living in our house for over 1 year and a half already which is so hard to believe, but to be honest still today I feel like it's kinda new for us, there are so many things we haven't had the chance of doing yet that I think it will be a while until we get really used to it. Everyday I come home and really take a few minutes to sit down either in the living room or kitchen and I feel amazed, because this is something we own, this is ours, our hard work has brought us this amazing house that many people wish they could have. I think it has made me appreciate things so much more, because most people can't afford to have a house. It makes me so proud, because I can't lie this house is amazing. When I think about the rooms and setup of everything I try finding negatives and it's hard. Will we live in this house forever. probably not , but it will be hard to find another house with this look.

We have been talking already of going on a trip to Florida next year either in January or April I guess it is. This time around however I would really like to take the plane, I think it would make our trip even more enjoyable, maybe driving back down woulnd't be that bad, but to feel that exaustion after the trip that takes weeks for it to leave i think i dont want to relive that. Anyways we are going to Florida because Roxie wants to go see the new Harry Potter attraction that is to start I believe at years end. I myself don't really care where we go I just feel like I think it's time we go on a trip together and enjoy the time and Disney is definitely that type of magical place.

A litte off subject, I wonder when they will stop with these new ways of addicting people to the computer chairs. I find with things now people spend hours non end without even realizing it and for what? A cyber life that in reality has no impact or change on your real life. I myself found myself at times wondering where the time had gone by then realizing I spent 2-3 hours doing worthless things that I theory aren't even that fun, just too easy to become addicted to. Example Facebook, I don't use it much anymore or any of those type of programs because in reality they are nothing but time consuming. Why add everyone we can, even aquaintances, people we didn't even like back then, people who someone else knows etc, and then read comments feedbacks of stuff from their own life, why waste time on stuff that truly shouldn't have any meaning lol. I find it hilarious, I have known alot of people recently in my entourage that feel the same way that I do however this world still seems to attach people without stop. It reminds me of the world of warcraft game where people can't seem to stop playing because there is just no end, well it's the same thing with this world of blogging,chatting,facebooks etc there is no point and no end to it all it's doing is take quality away from family, close friends, relationships in general and to enjoy things that are real. This is something that is bothering me alot lately because I find it's everywhere and to be honest real annoying because some people can't seem to differentiate what's real and not anymore. Quick example, whatever happened to being a fan of something or someone and not addicted to it? Why spend so much quality time on something, instead of liking it but moving on?When it is something that takes away and feels more important then things around you then to me that's a big problem. Anyways whatever that's that for this part of my message.

This part of the year, spring/summer I believe equals the time of spending on things. Like it gives me the feeling to get a new vehicule, a new BBQ,new cpu etc. But out of the three I only thing we will go with the middle one, we truly need a new BBQ and id love to have some people over this summer that we haven't even invited to the house yet.

I think that's it for today, again I will try to come and write back soon but I say that everytime so this time I will just say till the next one.

Cheers!

Where as the time gone

2008-08-01T06:54:00.001-07:00

Already August 1st, im still shocked at the date, considering as I still feel like we just finished winter a few weeks ago. Time as gone by so fast, already about 10 months in our house and it still sometimes feels brand new like we just moved in. Things have worked out quite well since being here, the things we were mostly afraid or worried about have been resolved. Financially we are better then expected, also we were worried about traffic getting into work, well we are so used to it that to be honest it hasn't been a big problem at all. The only issues we have had since being here, is the problems we had during the winter with the roof as it caused a few damages, minor but still damages, which still to this day haven't been fully fixed yet.

But that is such a small detail, because every single day when I get home I feel so proud that we can call this our place. I still find myself sitting down looking around and in amazed that we were able to pull this off. There wouldn't be much I would change of the place maybe a few small changes but as for the layout it is near perfection.

Other then that, well it has been already 6 months that I started working at the bank as a Financial service Rep. Most of my journey as been amazing since ive been there, other then a few weeks, I have been fully motivated in obtaining very high goals. The environement has been a little shaky at the branch recently but I try not to get to caught up into that. My main concern is to ensure that I do everything I can and go forward and not stay at the same place.

I have already built some strong relationships with a few people and its sad to see some of them leave but as they say in the sports world "its part of the business".

Lately Roxie and I have been talking about getting a dog again, slowly but surely I think it may happen this time around. We had played around with the thought months ago but slowly got away from it, now I think we are bought open to the idea. We aren't necessarily sure on the type of dog we both want to have but so far it is between a JAck Russell or a Yorkie, obviously they are both nice dogs but for preference id take a JR everytime because ive dreamt of having one for over 10 years.

As for the personal life, well I have gotten away completely at 100% from the poker environement, I do miss it but I rarely think of it. As for sports I followed quite alot of the basketball season, and was quite satisfied with the LAkers and Raptors performances.

Lately Ive been playing more video games, which is something I rarely do, but I got into the Call of Duty 4 game real fast, amazing title to own. I also purchased the Bourne Conspiracy game and hope to try it out soon, right after COD.

Also we went to see a few movies in the past few weeks,

First off it was Kung Fu PAnda and I must say I was pleasantly surprised that it was that good, I don't really love all of Jack Blacks movies but this was definitely up there with School of Rock for his best.
Then it was Walle, one of the best animation movies of all time, right up there with Shrek 2. Pixar just knows how to reach to an audience, they captivated me with very little dialogue but much emotion, now thats power.

Also we saw Journey to the center of the universe in 3d and I was real satisfied, real 3D finally on the big screen. Almost very comparable to the 3d in Walt Disney World.

Then it was off to the best movie hands down of 2008, The Dark Knight. The simple thought of the movie still gives me chills. They have had amazing reviews so far and made insane amounts of cash on it at the box office, #1 of all time for opening weekend and week.
Some say its all because of the headlines of the unfortunate death of LEdger,(RIP) however his role in that movie was incredible. I couldn't believe that it was him. I was in awwww the entire movie. He was brilliant but so was everything else.

So for now thats pretty much it , I will get back to you shortly to go more into details of other things

Till then

Cheers!

New Beginning!

2008-02-16T22:35:00.000-08:00

A new chapter in my life started on January 28th when I started at my new job, that's right I no longer work in the independant business, which was one of the hardest things ive ever had to do. I never in my life thought id find a job that I actually loved outside of sports or movies and it happened. Only issues with the job was really being able to build a solid list of clienthele which is not easy at first and easy to lose motivation. I have found a true passion in finances and business and really feel like it's a huge part of me for some time now. The truth behind it is, when im talking to people about ideas of markets it makes me feel important, like I truly can help people out here, without it becoming extremely repetitive. After working for a job at Bell and doing the same things over and over I told myself I must find a job that changes every single day, and what better then the markets. To come back to my new job, I started working for a well known bank as a Financial Service Representative and after 3 full weeks I must say that I absolutely LOVE it. I feel alive when im at work, like people are actually counting on me.

The role of a financial service Rep is to really support your clients, analyze their personal needs and find the proper solutions for them. Every single client that comes through that door is a different type of prospect with different needs which makes it really challenging but rewarding at the same time. My goal obviously isn't to always remain as a FSR it is to build within the company and really the industry. RIght now I have set myself some really important goals, firston the list is to obtain my mutual fund license which is a must to continue in this current job. Then id like to look into obtaining my CFA license and CFP as it would really give me alot of openings worldwide. This industry isn't for anyone you must be ready for ups and downs, but as you can see im truly ready. I still can't understand how ive been given this great opportunity as normally people in this position have a bachelors degree in finances/administration or business and all I have is the communication skills to provide solutions to clients but in all honesty that is probably the most important quality.

I rewatched Pursuit of Happyness tonight and after reading most of the book so far, this guys life " Chris Garner" really motivates me to achieve all of my goals, life may seem hard but we haven't seen the truly tough days like he experienced. Anything is possible and I think it speaks really well about this job.

I am so passionate about work right now and really want to suceed in life and this is my chance.
Looking back on my early part of adulthood not once ive I felt this way about work and life in general, it is something that I look forward to every day and it's a huge part of my life. I must thank my gf for giving me the right amount of time in pursuing my goals and even if it didn't quite pay off in the insurance industry it did provide the much needed experience I needed for this role.

I will keep you updated on work but also just about things in general, I should write to you daily but it's impossible in my situation.

Till next time, take it easy!

The move is complete

2007-10-17T17:54:00.000-07:00

On september 28th was the start of the move into our new home. We started the first trip around 8:30 friday morning and tried moving as many boxes and some stuff like the stove and freezer to have less to do on saturday. We had help from both of our parents, our brothers and it went quite well. We only took 1 break for lunch and finished for the day around 8-8:30. We slept back at the appartment anxiously awaiting the return to our new home. Saturday morning we had to get up around 7 to go and get the Uhaul truck rental and then started packing almost immediately. We received even more help I think we were about 10-11 at 1 time. Good thing we did alot on friday because the truck and van were absolutely jam packed when we left. We were done at the appartment probably around 1ish which was faster then even expected and then it only took us about 40 minutes to unpack everything into the house. It didnt take long for stuff to get placed either, both our mothers cleaned and placed all of the dishes and kitchen supplies on friday and already with the help of a friend on saturday night most of the living room was setup.

We continued going at it at slow paces during the next few days but by mid week most of the stuff was already settled in. Sure a few boxes here and there but nothing really in the way.
We haven't spent much time alone at the house which is always normal at the beginning, we dont mind the company however. It was weird to be alone on that first sunday knowing that this was ours, nobody to tell us what to do or when to do it.

The move was really a success except for maybe the minor inconveniences of the fridge being dented by the movers and also then not fitting in our place, and then also the pedestrals of the dryer was also scratched. Not the biggest issues in the world because we will be taking care of that asap.

The first real change we had was the first working morning for Roxie, we woke up I believe around 6 am and left the house no later then 6:35-6:40 and it litterally took us 1 hour to get to her job, which in hull took us about 12 minutes. So that was a real wake up call. However ever since we have started taking another road and we normally get to her work in about 30 minutes which is still longer thenbefore but now we come home to a house which makes it all worth it.

Its real long for me especially if I drop her off to work and then head right to mine down in the deep end of ottawa. It will take me about 45 minutes after dropping her off. Somedays I just come back home and wait for the traffic to die down and go to work for around 10-10:30.

Other then the big move, well one of the main reasons we wanted a house or id say more one of the first things we wanted to buy for our new home was a projector in our basement. It took us about 1 full week but we ended up buying the long wished projector. It is absolutely great, amazing experience for watching movie. The first one we started watching was The Jungle Book which I had purchased at walmart for such a low price but we never finished it, the first movie we watched entirely was Jurrassic Park while we had a movie night with friends. Next time its got to be back to the future :).

Life has been quite good to us for the most part however ive hit at times a bump in the road for my work. It's a carreer that can be so rewarding but it takes time and sometimes I feel like I won't have enough time to wait. There is goals in place for me to keep me going on the in house financing but at times im having a hard time keeping it up. I have tons of stuff in the works, many people tell me they will eventually take something from me which is great but in the meantime its a battle. I need a total of 900$ first year commissions approved by November 2nd and I really hope I will be able to get it. I have spoken to a few people recently and I will probably be travelling outside of the area for a few days in hopes of closing a few sales.

The reason why I dont want to quit this job is because I love what I do. Not once or very rarely did I ever say that working at Bell, or even previous jobs, right now I know that Im in a business of helping people even more then myself. Ive been through alot with the car accident in 2005, ever since my life as done a total 180 and I feel that I have no more protection in case my back gets even much worst and I am trying to prevent people from having that same problems. Alot of us have insurances through work however that insurance belongs to WORK as a group and not individually although many will argue I can assure you alot of it is gone at retirement. I want for everyone I know to remain financially successful and in their own world if something were to happen to them.

Many advisors dont like approaching friends and family, while others do and im one of them. I think it is important to make people aware around you of the different risks that occur and how we can protect your most important thing, your paycheck and lifestyle.

I am sure that with time if I have enough patience and money to work on this I will be successful because word of mouth goes along way in this industry and with time I will have many more clients who could reffer me. Im keeping my hope alive on this one.

As you can see I had quite alot to talk about as its been so long since I have really taken the time to write.

Roxie and a friend of ours have started to work out on a regular basis which I find great, it as also helped me restart again. Last December I had started working out and eating really well, everything was going fine but that time of the year isnt the best to start with all the temptations. I have really never retook control of it since. Its weird because I was suck a normal size person that even now I have a hard time seing myself as bigger. I have always told myself that whenever I would really want to lose weight that I would and it wouldnt take much effort well the longer I wait the harder it will get. I will try and lose for myself about 60 lbs by my birthday. Something reasonable and if I go over that even better.

I will keep you updated on this journey, maybe I will post every week how much I have lost to keep me motivated.

Stay tuned guys....

It has been in forever since my last update

2007-08-28T08:09:00.001-07:00

Ok well it seems that I have been able to ignore you without even knowing.

There has been quite alot of things that are new with us, first off the biggest, in july we made an offer on a home and yes we are two proud owners of our own house. We will be moving in on September 28th which is coming very quickly and we are real anxious.

Other then that, well I won't have much time today but as for work it has been a small battle at times, but I really enjoy it and feel that with hard work and dedication that I can be sucessful in this business. I will update more on how things are going at work and in general within the next little while.

Till then enjoy the summer or whats left of it!

Time goes by, update

2007-05-25T21:56:00.000-07:00

When I started this blog I never thought id neglect it as much as I have so far. Time goes by and next thing you know you havent touched it in weeks or even months.

Now since the last time I have posted way back in march things have slowly moved forward for me and my new career. I indeed got my first sale in April and thats a good start. I have tons of upcoming work that will give me a boost of confidence. Right now I cant complain at all as its the only job I could ever picture myself have where I control everything from hours worked and what I basically do in any given day.

Other then work, well ive been trying to keep updated with the sports world but it has been quite difficult, basketball as gone sour for me as all of my clubs are out , Heats,Raps and lakers.
As for hockey well im excited that the Sens made it to the cup finals and it would be nice for them to bring it home however some part of me as me hoping the Ducks win, ive always loved the organization and also I predicted they would win it all before the season started.
Either way im happy.

Roxie went and played some tag ball last night she had a blast as id expect, it sucks I wasnt able to go, I truly wanted to but I cant kid myself that my back would endure it. Ive slowly learned to understand that right now I cant do what I used to. im hoping one day I will get to that point.

We went and saw Shrek 3 opening weekend, it was a good movie but not as funny as the first two and I felt the story was lacking a tad. But definitely a must see. This upcoming week I suspect we will be seing Pirates and I expect nothing but a great movie as well. As for spiderman 3 I was disapointed as seemingly many people are. The movie was somewhat cheesy but at the same time it was decent. I loved the battle scenes but expected much more.

Sadly this was the final 2-3 weeks of our favorite shows, Heroes had a let down ending for me it wasnt complete, as for survivors I was hoping for Dreamz to take it but he didnt have a chance at it, then as for Csi crazy ending and same for Lost.

Anyways thats the update we have for now I will try to keep you posted as much as possible but with work and LIFE its difficult to have time for it but I will try.

Disney 05

2007-03-20T20:16:00.000-07:00

2005 how could I ever forget. The greatest trip of my life and everyday I just want to go back.
We went on a trip with are very good close friends Christian and France and it was a trip for the ages.

First off we didn't cheat by taking the plane, we decided to drive there, as much as it was hard on the bodies and morales I don't believe the trip would have been as memorable if we would have taken the plane. It took us about 24 hours on the road to get there. Long day and night however we kept to it, really we didn't stop that much on our way there. Every maybe 4-5 hours we would stop for 10 minutes and hit the road again. However we did stop at certain places on our way, the very first time we ever ate at a Perkins in Pensylvania and then we stopped in Virginia at the absolute biggest and nicest gas station we had ever seen and must add the toilets were incredibly clean :).

Now I also got to say I am so glad that we got to experience this trip with two great friends as who knows when will we ever be able to do it again.

It was so insane how the further we went the hotter it became, however the heat really started getting to us in South Carolina and of course when we stopped in Jacksonville to have a bite to eat , it was burning outside but it was part of the experience and nobody really complained other then the usual"My god it's hot" :)

We got to our hotel in Kissimee in the early afternoon and at first we were kinda surprised at how the hotel looked like, but trust me when I say we loved every moment we had at the hotel for many reasons, one being so exausted after everyday so we enjoyed the great sleeps lol but also the service was amazing never seen anything like it. Seralago hotel very decent place for a decent price.

The first night was eventfull on Sunday evening we decided to take a tour of our surroundings , and landed somewhere near by called Old Town. At first sight looked like a regular town fair, however once we got there we knew it wasn't the same as back home. Christian and France were brave enough to try the so called Sling Shot and I must say the ride scared me shitless just looking up on how high they got. They had fun but I believe both have said they wouldn't dare it again :).

We also took a walk further down and it was quite nice, stores everywhere with things we just dont get to see back home and we appreciated every moment of it. Tired we were, but we also knew we hadnt come him to sleep.

The first day we went off at about 7-8 Am to take the shuttle which was gonna take us to our first theme park, Magical Kingdom. The first thing I noticed being there was the great scenary, beautiful colors all around us, something we could only see in movies, thats probably why it kept my mind off of how hot it was, it was so hot at first that my skin was itching. But after some sunscreen we were fine.

I still remember our first ride, it was Stitch has a glitch or something of the sorts, something quick,funny and amusing. One thing we all noticed about the entire vacation no matter the theme park the waiting lines were surprisingly short or quick I should say. Obviously there were a few big attractions that only played at certain times that were quite longer but then we had the choice at a Quick Pass , called something like that.

First day was great, we were exausted like hell, and I believe thats when we took our first dip in the pool Christian and I while the girls walked to the hotel exausted and simply needing to rest.
The pool was so hot and not refreshing at all, until we decided to go into the jacuzzi and once we heated up even more in there and jumped in the pool it was so much cooler :).

Second day we had decided to take things a bit more melow, so we went off to Epcot, the shortest day of the trip but one of my favorites. We got there and there was so much less people then at Magical Kngdom which really helped the day because we didn't want to be jam packed that day. So we started off I believe with living under the sea section, and either the first or second ride we took was Soarin, and to this day it's one of the rides I most remember. Te experience being in that ride was out of this world and I knew that whatever we were seing was even more then I could even expect.

Then we took a quick lunch, the guys had some sort of Ham Sandwich while the gals took something that apparently was digusting I must admit it look quite awful.
That's one thing of the trip in the U.S. the food was really not the same to back home and that's one thing we were all kinda missing.

Anyways food wasn't the biggest part of the trip. So the second night at the hotel I believe we went out to eat either at the Iirish type restaurant or Red Lobster can't remember but both were quite nice. The Iirish place had some of the best fajitas I had ever had simply phenomenal.

Third day we went off to MGM , one of the most entertaining days for us, more adult then magical and more things to do then epcot, but again quite exausting. I remember taking part of the onsite gameshow Who wants to be a millionaire and all 4 of us were lucky enough to be taking part of the floor players , great experience, it really felt like being on the show.

Then our final park was Universial Studios, that was the hottest park of them all, because at the other three we kept hidding ourselves as much as possible in the shades however there lets just say there wasnt much shade :). We got to see a histerical horror show that kept us laughing for quite some time, we saw Back to the future which was the ride I was anticipating the most, obviously not the most fun I had, but being such a passionate fan I enjoyed it.

So then came Thursday evening it was pooring rain like crazy, so that kind of put a damper on the night but before that we still did all the rides before leaving except for men in black because it was closed when we went passed it, heck it will give us a reason to go back :).

That was it for the theme parks. We had so much fun, obviously it was rough because we were so exausted and couldnt wait for the days to be over but in reality we wanted to charish as much as possible.

Friday was a shopping day, we went to a disney store, then off to the flea markets, they were quite big and had tons of stuff you just dont get to see on a daily basis. Anyways that was our friday, then on saturday morning around noon came the time to leave.It was sad, but also the time to go. We had a 24 hour drive in front of us and really it was hard to motivate us to leave but we were starting to miss the regular sleeping :)

So there you have it that was our trip, sure there is tons more I could of said about the trip itself in details but that would be just too long.

All I can say is this, maybe next time if we do go, we wouldn't drive and take the plane but we can all say we did it once and it was a superb experience. Glad again we had friends with us that really wanted to go,because without them it wouldn't have been the same trip.

Florida was a nice place, I really miss even more then the rides, the time we spent at the hotel, in the surroundings or even the time Christian and me drove off to Orlando to find a Gamestop and just walk around. Oh and also, something important to us happened, Roxie and I got engaged. And we are still together if your curious :)

First meeting

2007-03-08T13:02:00.000-08:00

I had my first appointment as a Financial Advisor last night with two friends of mine who are expecting their first child anyday now.

I wasn't quite sure where to start however with some small talk at the beginning I was able to feel confortable in going more in depth with their situation.

Obviously I was slightly nervous with the material but not in talking with them, however with experience I am positive this will be something I will excel at.

For the first time in a long while I have been motivated into working hard and giving my very best. The difference with this line of work it's a career vs a regular job like Ihad at Bell Sympatico where it became so repetitive that I felt so useless in what I was doing, this will be so much more as every situation will differ from the others.

I will keep you updated on how my working life goes.

As for now it's looking positive.

Saturday cleaning

2007-03-03T13:44:00.000-08:00

It's come to that day again, big cleaning. Sure it has to be done but for me it's always difficult to find the motivation for it, but once it's done and the place is looking great Im happy that she pushes me lol even if I don't look like it.

To be honest I complain for about 5 hours but in reality I know it's got to be done just never seems to be the right time. So today is a perfect day for cleaning and for the first time since we bought our stove we have decided to clean it up entirely. Can't wait to see the end results.

We finally placed all of our documents in order and it feels much more organized and that is something I will have to get used to in this new career path.

Talking about my new employment, I have my first appointment with a prospect on wednesday. Hope all goes well, it's a good friend of mine and I already have an idea what type of help he needs however it will be a great way to gain experience.

I am real anxious to see how it goes, but I feel that whenever I set my mind on something I usually succeed.

Anyways that's all for today folks,

Sunday again!

2007-02-25T20:21:00.000-08:00

For the first time in a long while I feel like today was a true sunday and the reason for that is, I may be starting work this week I will keep you updated on that.

Happy Birthday Ashley sorry if we weren't around but we will do something shortly.

Right now I am not feeling very happy however im sure with a goodnights sleep that will change.

Today we went down to the inlaws and had a good afternoon/evening of relaxing,card playing and movies. It's always fun to do that and we all need these types of days.

So again happy bday

The Number 23

2007-02-24T10:12:00.000-08:00

For about a week we had plans on going to see the new Jim Carrey movie , Number 23. I couldn't wait as after viewing the trailers the movie looked realll good. We were laying down talking yesterday my gf and I, she had went on imdb and told me the rating was 3.1/10 which I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Kept telling her she must be kidding and she said "maybe" however she isn't one to lie usually or what I like to call it exagerate :).

Once our friends showed up I decided to go check on imdb and noticed the rating being 7.4/10 so yeah she got me :).

It was the first time we have gone to see a movie on its opening night in a long time. It was packed.

All I can say about the movie is "Brilliance". I absolutely loved it. I knew I would because I am one of the small percentage of people who think Carrey can do other genres then comedy. Some of my favorite movies of all time are Truman Show,Ethernal Sunshine and The Majestic. So I had high expecations. The movie was original and the acting was very good.

I heard a comment after the movie that simply put a grin on my face because I knew it was going to happen someone sitting behind us said" well that sucks Jim Carrey is supposed to make you laugh" my reaction was WTH. What did you expect from this movie, A grinch type story seriously!!!!

Anyways for everyone out there, go see this movie, give it a chance and im sure that 9 out of 10 of you will love it. Which percentage are you :)

Ghostrider review

2007-02-21T21:27:00.000-08:00

So we just got back from watching the movie. I went in with expectations of a 7/10 type movie and the recent reviews scared me that the movie was overhyped. All I can say is, the reviews were wrong. The movie was really good in my opinion and in the opinion of the 3 others I went and saw it with. I was surprised at how well Cage representated the Rider and he did a great job.

It was real entertaining and there was alot of funny scenes as well that gave the movie a great mix of action/comedy. Really enjoyed it.

7/10 is about right.

Go and see it and be your own judge!!!

Ghost Rider

2007-02-21T17:00:00.000-08:00

Tonight my gf and two of our friends are heading out to watch the Ghostrider movie which we have been anxiously awaiting for a few months now, the ratings have been very tough on the movie so I am hoping that I will enjoy it.

I will let you know later on how things were.

Poker

2007-02-20T19:36:00.000-08:00

Like I mentionned in my profile I have been a havid poker player and it has been great times.
There is so many players today that it makes it real easy to get to games anywhere now. I much prefer the live game atmosphere because there is nothing like being in a room with people who are all there for the same reason, come out victorious.

Many would say poker is a game of chance and luck like any other card game, I rather think of it of a game of art. Anybody can win a tournament but the real players are the ones that make money constantly.

I don't think there is many things in this world id rather be doing then a professional poker player maybe something in the sports industry or movies however poker is real close.

For the past few years ive been playing alot of online poker, ive been through many different sites and many ups and downs, lately things have been good for me I finished 2nd of a field of over 500 in a Limit holdem tournament that I had entered by mistake on party poker, and then the same week I finished 7th out of a field over 700.

As for live games I played in a tourney last thursday and didn't fare to well, really was disapointed with the way I performed but it was a bunch of new players, and my strenght is reading others. Next time I am sure I will do much better or at least I hope so.

There will be updates in the future for every tournament I am involved in.

For the last two days my game as been great but real unlucky which has left be shaking my head. Example, tonight I had a AQ flop came down A Q K, I raised 500$ with the pot at that point at 500$, the player calls. Turn J I push all in for 2200 and he had 2400 left and insta called with pocket 9s. Obviously at this point I knew I was ahead but drawing dead as I could envision the 9 hit the river and sure enough it did.

I hate talking about bad beats because most of us experience them on a daily basis however these past two days have been rough so I will take a breather.

Hope you are enjoying the blog and I assure you there will be all kinds of topics.

First post

2007-02-20T19:10:00.000-08:00

I have been hearing alot of people lately starting their own blogs, my girlfriend being one of them and I must admit I am real new to this world of so called "Blogs".

I tend to think new things like these are quite annoying as it never seems to stop however somehow I believe this is a pretty good way of writting down your thoughts and sharing ideas with others.

Still unsure of what to write about but not because of a lack of imagination more for a lack of knowing where to start.

Let's start by telling you how life as been for me, since 2005 really my life as been somewhat on a downward spiral. in April of 2005 I was involved in a car accident which first of all had left our car totally disabled but more importantly myself. At first I didn't ever expect it to last as long as it has, but with time ive realized that my life has changed and what's been the most difficult is accepting it.

Im starting to understand and trying to live with it, however it can be hard at times because I feel like there is so many things I would love to do but unable to do them because of it.

Anyways other then that, well my life hasn't been that awful, this january it has been 6 years that Rox and I have been together which isn't a very common thing nowadays.

Also I have reorientated my career life, I will soon be a licensed Financial Advisor/Financial Planner which really I can't wait for. The simple fact of knowing that I could make a difference in peoples lives really gives me the motivation of doing it.

I think as a first post this is kinda boring for most people, however I wanted to start off my telling myself and you guys that life never stops with the bumps in the road you must keep going and try to find your calling, never settle for less then you believe you are.